veracious me.

Moving my blog....

2007-07-23T12:35:00.000+08:00

Hi all,

if you didn't know this already, I've got a new blog at http://myowt.blogspot.com.

It has been quite a while since i moved over actually. The move is in line with the setting up of my online shop, MYOWT.com.

You'll still find me talking there. Just that you get updates on my shop too! =D

I guess we all need to move on. This blog is filled with memories of the past two years..and I guess I need to start afresh as well. Don't we all feel like this sometimes?

So do drop by and say hi =) 'd love to hear from you =)

Void. Church.

2007-04-08T09:59:00.000+08:00

I know I haven't posted for a long while, and it feels weird to be sharing my thoughts on this platform again. I don't know if anyone still visits my blog after such a long stagnancy.

It's Easter Sunday and I'm at home feeling upset and lonely and missing God all by myself. It's been a while since I last went for service; I'm beginning to miss it really badly.

I guess we all need some spiritual feeding. I've been depriving myself of that communal partaking of spiritual food for months, and just as I thought I will be all right in enduring the hunger pangs my body collapses in weakness and weariness.

Sometimes we can't cope alone.

There's only so much we can get out of the bible ourselves. There will be times when we need devotional materials to give us different insights. There will be times when we need pastors to teach us right from wrong. There will be times when we need worship songs to remind us of the greatness of God. There will also be times when we need a Christian sibling by our side to cheer us on down the long and tedious journey of life.

And I have been too prideful of my own ability to maintain a relationship with God. If you ask me, honestly, there is little of relationship to speak of for the past few months. I have drifted, like a floatsam, far far away from the shore where I should rest on.

I wish I have been more motivated to go to church. Maybe I need a change of environment. Youth service is not getting me anywhere.

I want to learn how to pray. I realised that the way I pray was not effective in communicating with God at all. For some reason I just can't focus on God and all that He has to say.

Prom pics. finally!

2006-12-12T00:54:00.000+08:00

ok guys sorry to take so long...there you go. click below to enter...

ACJC Prom 2006

finally. broadband!

2006-12-11T12:30:00.000+08:00

yeah!!! i'm ultra happy now. after some frustrating moments i've finally connected my laptop to my mum's broadband!!!! yipeeee~~~ i hate using her com coz it's slower and i have to sit in the middle of nowhere and yank my neck upwards in an uncomfortable position. feels so much better using my dear laptop.

will tell you more abt my trip in taiwan so far later...

as for those who have been asking me for prom pictures, be patient...coz i'm having lunch now. haha..

Post prom reflections...

2006-12-06T03:52:00.000+08:00

Prom is finally over.
And so marked the grand finale of our 2 years in JC.

I still can't believe I spent weeks in preparation just for 3 hours of glamour.

While every one flocked to Daniel Yam and Zara, I decided I’m sick of gowns and dresses and identical hairstyles stamped with Supercuts and Next trademarks, and i am not spending hundred over on a piece of garment that I'll only wear for once. that decision is the start of my agonizing shopping journey. I have to admit that shopping would be a lot less excruciating if I had not been a perfectionist by nature.

I got my white top totally by chance. ying yi was showing me her online shop and I so happened to see it. Back then I had no real intention to wear it for prom yet. I decided to stick with it later to save the hassle. Shoe shopping was the most pain-free as it was done in the comfort of home in front of the computer.

The search for my white pants and white hat almost killed me. I never knew it was so hard to find a pair of fitting white pants. I must have walked the whole raffles city/ city link/ suntec/ wisma/ takashimaya/ paragon/ dhoby gaut to look for it. I even walked into This Fashion in desperation. This one has pockets in front, that has bronze buttons that do not suit the style, this one makes me look fat, that one is the wrong material....grr. Ok I’m just picky. It was extremely depressing at first when I thought none of the white pants look good on me coz it would mean I had wasted my time looking for the wrong stuff and should have better spent my time looking for a dress. I wasn't relieved when I finally found what I was looking for, but it did settle my mind more because I effectively eliminated the option of wearing a gown. When you have far too many choices, you tend to lose your way.

But the search for pants is NOTHING compared to my hunt for hats. I wanted to wear a white French-styled cap (I don't know what it's called), coz it's a much more casual style and I want to be able to wear it out in the future. Trust me, there is NOWHERE in Singapore where they sell white leather French caps. So I had to look for alternatives. I went to every possible shop that sells caps and hats...nothing goes. And one day while walking dejected from shopping in cineleisure I saw this girl wearing a cap in close resemblance to what I was looking for (by then I had given up on the leather idea and would settle for any French cap that is not furry) and I actually stopped her and asked her where she got her cap. (I was that desperate)

"Adorn, a-d-o-r-n, in heerens." she gave me this cool, nonchalant look.
The truth is that I had looked through Adorn the day before without seeing the cap. But just to check, I went back there..And indeed they were out of stock. I bought something that looks like a tone-down version of a cowboy hat in the end, but it suits well too....just that it has low reuse value. Oh well.

I really like the clutch I bought. Whee. I have a feeling kaimin would tell me it's too big and not as elegant as he hopes, but I’m thankful for the big clutch coz in the last minute rush it allowed me to stuff everything inside.

The search for a suitable golden belt is ridiculous, and it even extended to Bugis street. I decided that I had overspent and wanted to make a simple sash belt, but when I went to Spotlight the exact gold cloth I was looking for went out of stock. I remember being cold, sick and upset walking out of Plaza Sing the Nth time, and walking through Little India to yet another fruitless search. None of the cloth I saw was shiny enough. My shins are well toned by then, coz I’ll come home with an aching body almost every day.

After that disappointing search for gold cloth, I fell sick for 2-3 days. And hooray, shed more weight just in time for prom. =___="

Just one day before prom I decided to try my luck at Chinatown on Clarissa's guidance. I spent the first 30 minutes walking in circles in People's Park Complex, seeing nothing that looked gold and is a cloth. I had almost settled for a normal gold belt when Clare pointed out that there is another non-air conned PPC with 'tons of cloth'. Thanks Clare!!! I’m soooo grateful. I found the perfect cloth I was looking for within 15 minutes.

And my teddy bear necklace! I had wanted something more sophisticated, but the bear is so cute I just had to buy it. Earned me lots of compliments that little thing. =)

if you think that's the sweet ending to my prom preparation, think again. I have yet to tell you how torturous practicing putting on make up was. I was working within a tight budget, so forking out another hundred over for make up and hairdo was undesirable. Although I had been doing all my stage and prom makeup myself since secondary school, I am aware that I have been muddling through all these while. Liquid eyeliner was a novelty, and my pencil eyeliner had been banished to a brow pencil. I had lots of palettes of eyeshadows with colours that I have never experimented with. I bought brown eyeshadows for AC Idol but when I applied them my eyes look swollen instead of being flattered to any degree.

So I made a resolution to practice every time I go out. The first few times was disastrous. The Natural EyeTalk thing stuck on to the eyeshadow so the colour looked clumpy and uneven. And it stuck on to the mascara too, leaving behind imprinted eyelash marks on my eyelids. And the mascara smudges after a while, thanks to my oily skin. I could never draw clean lines on my eye line. I didn’t know how to use my eyelash curler such that my right eye lashes won’t look weedy. Making up was agony. I could spend up to 3 hours in front of the mirror each time, and sorry to the guys who waited for me while I arrive late for any meet ups.

I remembered going up the escalator in Taka when Jun Yi said, “oh I just noticed you’ve done something to your...eyelashes.”
And I was too embarrassed to let him look any closer coz I knew I screwed it up. Any mistake could be covered up by opening my eyes wide enough to conceal my eyelids. Haha. Shu hao couldn’t tell the difference. Erm.

But thanks to all the practice and reading up, I had the most fuss-free time making up just before prom. I actually didn’t have to worry about my double eyelid on my right eye for the whole night…that’s a feat. (I have double eyelid on my left eye only so usually I’ll do sth to my right to make it look even) and I am so much better at making up now. Girls, do email me if you want any tips =)

My constant rant to boys: you have no idea how hard it is to be a girl.

Time I took to get ready for prom: 2.5 hours

Time Dan took to get ready for prom: 20 minutes

Nevertheless preparation for prom was fun…there was a common topic, a general sense of purpose for everyone, and much room for creativity (and tenacity too). I remember chatting with Krissandi at length about it, and the exhilaration of finding “the right stuff” at Bugis. And the genuine look of wide-eyed amazement, aye, that is most rewarding, and that is when I know all the pain and trouble had paid off. You know you’ve pulled it off nicely when people you don’t know want to take pictures with you.

Then again, all that glamour, all that beauty...is transient and superficial. When all is stripped away, what’s left would be your soul. Maybe the next time we stay up to 3 am, it would not be to party but be to ask ourselves: what exactly have we got inside?

Oh and special mention -- perhaps the most important person in my entire night -- Daniel Leung!! My dedicated photographer cum boyfriend. Thanks for the wonderful photos and everything else. Haha. My friends are so very impressed. =)

I’ll consolidate the pictures and upload them very soon!

Meanwhile…FLYING BACK TO TAIWAN IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!! Woohoo!! I’m so happy =)

feelings that are hard to comprehend...

2006-11-30T03:11:00.000+08:00

things took a better turn

2006-11-19T20:55:00.000+08:00

Dan came over to my place tonight. i had been crying for hours.
Thank God that we finally sorted things out...=)
now i can study for bio in peace.

2006-11-19T17:02:00.001+08:00

Lord help me...I feel like I've been torn apart.

since yesterday

2006-11-18T10:43:00.000+08:00

help. i'm harvesting extremely negative thoughts.

amazing guy

2006-11-18T01:43:00.000+08:00

ok here's what jun yi sent me to cheer me up. thought i'll share with everyone...
i dunno what his name is, but he's truly awesome!

dish-washing

2006-11-17T22:12:00.000+08:00

why do you have to hurt me like that?
i can't believe after knowing everything about me you could say such things to hurt me.
and that tone....i have never heard you speak to me in that tone.

i guess the love has gone.

technology and beauty

2006-11-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

ok guys you gotta check this one out.

no wonder our perception of beauty is distorted.
but still, i'm totally sold on what technology can do.

taiwan and related memories

2006-11-15T23:01:00.000+08:00

Taiwan Sun and Moon Lake

Although i'm a Taiwanese, most of Taiwan remains unexplored to me. i wish i can see this for myself...i wish there is someone who i can explore my home country with.

(for more amazing pictures of Taiwan go to Albert Zhou's album)

i really want to pick up serious photography, but such a camera is way too pricey for me.

can't wait to go back to taiwan...i miss the messy streets of taipei. i miss my messy home. i miss my mum, my cousins, my xiao ah yi, my da jiu, da jiu ma, xiao jiu and xiao jiu ma, da yi ma, xue yuan...i miss sitting in taipeiren cafe in cheng pin bookstore writing my journal. i miss reading those brand new books. i miss the maze-like shopping district near my house. i miss the mass rapid transit and the credit card ads. i miss mos burger, cheng kaishek memorial hall. i miss the food. i miss the cold.

you know i hardly talk about this, about how hard it is to live alone.
that's mainly coz i know that very few people actually understand what it really is like.
i've been living alone for almost four years now.
honestly, i'd very much prefer living alone to living in my aunt's house. so i'm glad that i have got my own space here...

i long for the day when i have enough money to buy myself an apartment, then i can decorate it the way i want it, do things my way and no one else can say a word.
no space i have truly belongs to me.
i guess deep down i seek some sort of security.

hmm. all i can say is that if you think you know me well enough...think again.

Econs paper today. boo.

2006-11-15T22:40:00.000+08:00

ok today's econs paper is just horrid. i walked out of the badminton hall with my guts all tangled up.

but as Joel has said, i shall leave it to God.

Thank God for the exam! I thank You in all circumstances.

(well, at least it has inspired me to study really hard for bio.)

KIWI!!

2006-11-15T08:58:00.000+08:00

ok i'm going to dedicate this entry to keewui.
haha.

goodbye, math.

2006-11-09T23:56:00.000+08:00

OVER! GP paper 1 and 2
OVER! Bio paper 2
OVER! math paper 1 and 2

MORE TO GO! Econs paper 1, 2 and 3
MORE TO GO! Bio paper 3 and 1

can't believe it! math is actually over!
i think i can probably get an A. (hope hope) but even if i don't i'll thank God anyway.
A sense of nostalgia sweeps over me when i look at my neatly compiled math notes. it's such a waste that this is the end of their useful lifespan. i'm sure they can be put to better use, but i don't think i'll ever do math again.

more to go. more to go.

let's hold our heads and continue in this race. *grrrr*

to you. who is out there. (and probably never reads this)

2006-11-04T23:07:00.000+08:00

you know you failed me.

not just you, but you, and you and you and you.

maybe it's just me.

but i know you know it. i know you are guilty.

i thought i could trust you, you, you and you.

i thought we were friends. i thought you care beyond the surface.

do you feel bad now?

you. and you.

nothing more than obligations and convenience. i wish i placed my hope somewhere else.

and you.

YOU!

i can't feel secure anymore. how do i trust you?

whatever.

first attempt at shopping online...and lessons learnt.

2006-10-30T23:36:00.000+08:00

my first shopping spree at sgspree: failed.

oh well what happened is that i forgot my ibanking password and didn't make my payments fast enough, and the spree closed before i made my order. i suppose God has a purpose for this, just like he has a purpose for everything. i trust Him (even though it means that i can't get my la senza lingerie)

well it is a time that i should be focusing on Him. i think i hear His calling. well, He promises something better, so i got to trust Him.

not just in the buying of la senza bras and thongs, but in my relationship with Daniel as well.

it's been rocky, and i dunno what's going on now. it's got me down for a while, but i told myself to trust in God and His plans...i know that everything happens not because our God is a sadistic God but for a purpose. and His plans are the best for us. so even if we do break up, now or ever...i will lift my pain to the Lord.

but of course, i hope for the best.

i'm surprised at how much easier it is for me this time. if it's years back i would have cut my wrist or walk into traffic or do something stupid for sure, but God has given me the peace that can be found nowhere else.

2 days to A level.
first paper: GP

I woke up this morning

2006-10-30T15:03:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning
written Saturday, October 28, 2006 by me.

I woke up this morning thinking oh God I have lost him

I thought of the times he was in this room clearing up my mess

The countless times of arguments gets only worse each time

I'm afraid it's beyond repair somehow

The anger held within us it destroys us

We could have reconciled but somehow the tender words we used to have lost their charm

There was no respite from this

It's not good enough that one of us finally backs down

It's a pain I thought I could get over with

But all distractions from it are transient for it always lingers and haunt me

On the other side of this island I wonder what he is thinking

We're hurting each other, why can't we give it another try

I'm sorry

Honey you know that I love you and I'm hurt that you're thinking this way

After all that we have done for each other I thought you should have know better

I wish you'd call before it gets worse

Looks like this day will have to pass without you

I woke up this morning thinking I've cried enough yesterday

But God built us in such a way tears come as when they like

Crying is all that I can do at the moment

The helplessness is consuming me now

Braces!

2006-10-20T13:38:00.001+08:00

i know i shouldn't be blogging during exam time but this is really too exciting for me to keep quiet about: i finally got my braces on! =D

yes, for those with sharper eyes....it's RED BLUE GOLD i'm wearin'! (erm, red blue yellow i mean) ACJC FOREVER~~

it's not hurting right now but i suspect it'll hurt sooner or later (thank you to those who have contributed to the horror tales of braces to me). i can't bite properly now so i'll have to be content with soft food. i don't think it'll hurt half as much as plucking out my 4 teeth on the same day (oh don't get me started on that...), but it'll definitely hurt longer.

tata~ have fun studying for ur Alvls.

Personality test on BBC

2006-09-24T12:35:00.000+08:00

Results

Your answers suggest you are a Supervisor

Summary of Supervisors

Bring order to their home and work life
Like to act on clear, achievable goals
Think of themselves as stable, practical and sociable
May be irritated when people don't follow procedures

More about Supervisors

Supervisors like to make plans, organise people and get things done efficiently. They are natural administrators who dislike chaos and strive to bring order to every aspect of their lives.

Supervisors like jobs where the goals are clearly defined and there are proven work methods in place.

Supervisors are most likely to say they prefer a job which involves a series of separate projects, according to a UK survey.

Supervisors use logic to solve problems and believe in being open and direct in their communications with others. They prefer to work and socialise with like-minded people.

In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Supervisors may reject the opinions of others and insist they are right. Under extreme stress, Supervisors may feel cut off from the people around them and lose confidence in their own ability to cope.

Because they like to take charge and organise activities, others may find Supervisors too bossy.

Supervisor Careers

Supervisors are often drawn to jobs in management or administration that require logical planning.

It's important to remember that no survey can predict personality type with 100 percent accuracy. Experts say that we should use personality type to better understand ourselves and others, but shouldn't feel restricted by our results.

my X back

2006-09-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

this is what the one hour walk under the stupid sun at twelve noon has done to me.

Class outing to East Coast Park

2006-09-07T18:47:00.000+08:00

I was just revising my financial plans for university and I realised that I may end up living where I am even after getting into university. I really like it here, with all the convenience and privacy and accessibility. But there's one big problem: there is no viable internet connection here. I hate the unstable wireless I get, and I was really looking forward to the stable, faster cable internet available in the halls. Kinda ridiculous that I would sacrifice all the perks I get here just for internet, but you have no idea how I relish being able to access internet instantly from my desk, without having to move myself physically to the living room or go to some McDonalds or move to school to get internet.

Well plans can change, so everything's not confirmed yet. Let's hope for the best.

The class outing to East Coast Park yesterday was, pardon me, quite badly organised. The night before I asked Michelle, "Where is the nearest MRT station to East Coast?" She replied, "Marine Parade." I said, "I thought it's Bedok?" "But east coast is near marine parade not near bedok," reads her sms.

I have never heard of marine parade mrt station, but I attribute that bit of confusion to my own ignorance. So the next morning I went to the MRT station map, and not too surprisingly, Marine Parade is nowhere in sight.

East coast is pretty longitudinal, and walking from one end to another takes about an hour plus. And an hour plus we walked, indeed, from one end to another. Mae Yen and I were unfortunate enough to have alighted at the left most of East Coast, and the class was unfortunate enough to have chosen a spot at the right most of East Coast.

15 mins down the walk.
Mae: x%$*$%^&…!!!!!
Me: it's ok, chill, walking is good exercise.

An hour later.
Me: $#$@$@$^@$^@^^%&amp;amp;amp;%@%$%$%!!!!!!!!!
Mae: …….1$#!$#!$!#$!%$^%&%^$...!!

And Mae and I swapped slippers coz her left foot hurts. But her slippers are the kind that caves in, and they are a size too small. So in the end my foot hurts too. My little toe was spasming, having rubbed and knocked against the protruding edge. Oh well. I suppose as good friends we should share everything right. Pain included. But thank God that I didn't have to walk down the ridiculously long stretch alone. I would just die there.

Mae and I the two unfortunate walking pair.

But other than that, the outing was pretty okay. I had fun even though we didn't do much. During pass-the-parcel we sabo-ed Sheeni and Jue Luo in a group effort, and they had to do a forfeit even though they did not get the parcel. The following pictures explain what they did:

if you are wondering what that green thing is, it's celery (yum yum!).

Orange Girl comeback

2006-09-01T23:14:00.000+08:00

Hihi, long time no blog. It’s funny how I’m always using this line as a start phrase coz I’m always not blogging that regularly.

Not blogging for a long time doesn’t mean that I have forgotten the blog. I’ve made a come-back, rejuvenating my blog with a new design. =) I’m quite happy with this Orange Girl design actually. Instead of the confined blog space I made it into an open space this time, so that I’ll be more liberty to put in bigger pictures and larger words (and of course it’ll be easier to read). I almost killed myself this time trying to get the scripting right. There were a lot of problems, like the blog entries were not showing up, and columns were misaligned. Strange. I don’t remember having these problems last time.

Anyway, prelims have come to an end. I won’t be getting back the results until after the September holidays, but I have a feeling it’s pretty bad. Not that I didn’t study for it, but sometimes 1 months for 2 years syllabus just wasn’t enough. For some weird reason I keep falling asleep during mcq papers. Nevermind, God made us for a purpose. -_-“

Thanks to the camaraderie developed from studying for prelims, I have grown quite close to some people whom I would never thought I would get close to. Can you imagine studying in the hub from 8am to 10.15pm? That’s 14 hours and 15 minutes. That’s more than half a day *horrors!* Coming back to study on Sundays was quite an experience too. And all the da-baoing and the quibbles over what to call in or buy just makes life more interesting (erm.).

I’m quite thankful for these friends I’ve made through studying. Haha I make studying in AC sound like some social event, but that’s really pretty much the case. Not that we talk a lot (ok maybe we do, depending on who you are talking about), but the interactions during the short breaks allow you to know the person quite a bit, considering the number of short breaks that we have. Somehow you just have to hang out with the people you study with after the papers. Hanging out with anyone else would make the whole experience rather incomplete I feel. And I actually miss my study buddies already. (but I have to say I don’t miss the studying that much)

I told Jun Yi, “I think we probably won’t see one another very much coz we aren’t really studying together anymore.”
He said, “Don’t worry, there is still As…haha.”
Hmm, am I suppose to feel delighted or dreadful about this?

Btw, some update on Dan’s condition. For all those who doesn’t already know, his tumor disappeared! =) Yeah and he has finished his chemo and radio sessions. Praise the Lord! Haha.
Ok dudes and dudettes, enjoy your 1 week break. If you have time, go catch “Click” and “The Devil Wears Prada”. For all you do, DO NOT watch “Snakes on a plane”. It’s a horrible horrible horrible show!! it was quite sad coz I was like the only person in the cinema screaming at every snake that appeared suddenly. Kiwi said I’m even more scary than the snakes. Oh well. Kiwi was very horrible too coz I was so scared and sobbing in the dark and he didn’t even bother (I bet he didn’t know). Guys are insensitive creatures. (why it sound oddly like yan bo’s “women are sensitive creatures”)

sick again.

2006-04-12T08:31:00.000+08:00

hihi, long time no blog.

taking this opportunity to write something since i'm sick and staying home for the 2nd day straight. i wonder how many brain cells have the fever killed. but anyway thank God that i've pretty much recovered, and the fever didn't soar to 39degress this time. honestly, i don't see why i should fall sick. i eat pretty healthily (i make sure i have my veggies), i eat fruits, i don't eat fried stuff, i exercise regularly, i sleep....erm, i sleep pretty much compared to others i suppose. i hate falling sick coz you have to be dependent on others to take care of you. and i hate it even more when there's no one to take care of me, and that i have to do everything myself despite being sick.

thank goodness Dan came over every day this time. he wears a mask when he comes to protect (or try to) himself from the viruses and germs that's flying around in my room. oh yesterday he was in the kitchen cooking me noodles for lunch when my landlord woke up, walked to the toilet in the kitchen and saw him. according to Dan, he looked rather startled. i guess he must be thinking, "omg since when did victoria shave her head and what's she doing wearing this face mask?" HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA...

Dan just spoke to his doctor on tuesday about the MRI scan. i hate the fact that they know so little yet want to do so much. the cancer area shows some reaction to the chemo but they do not know how much reaction exactly coz MRI shows abnormalities and in that area, anything ranging from live cancer cells, dead cancer cells to fluids could be abnormal. so he's left with two options, either radiotherapy or surgery. if i have a choice, i would rather him not go for any of the two. radiotherapy exposes you to radiation, which in itself can be a cause for cancer. and it kills everything, not just the cancer cells. besides horrendous side effects, he may develop secondary tumors.

surgery isn't any better. how i wish they would be able to remove precisely just the tumor and nothing else. but if they really go ahead and do it they would remove a sizeable chunk from his hip bone and btw, hip bones can't regenerate itself. he may never be able to walk properly. and if they accidentally cut a nerve, the damage would be greater than what we can foresee.

we are struggling with the idea of faith and what kind of faith we should have. but everything is so conceptual it's kinda hard to explain it here. i pray that God will heal him completely without having to go through all that. it's getting harder, but we'll plough on.

junkie mugger

2006-03-17T22:56:00.000+08:00

hello. to those who visit my blog but find nothing updated for the past few dunno how many weeks.

sigh, the thing is everything i sit at the living room tryin to blog on a slightly more free sunday there'll be kids running around me making lots of noise and *gasp!* trying to flash their butts at me. and when you're just so tired you don't really feel like making your brains work by typing more nonsense here, but rather browse around aimlessly with a single aim and that is to relax your brain. (wait, is that a paradox?) gah.

have been mugging mugging mugging mugging..you get the idea. i want to get my AAC for terms! but i don't really know if i can do that. Vidal Sassoon said, "the only place where WORK comes before SUCCESS is in the dictionary." that's so cute. i can totally imagine a philosophical random person (or randomly philosophical person. either way works) sitting on the bench doing his work when he suddenly sits upright and snaps his finger and say that phrase in one breath. think Nicholas when he said out of the blue, "dead fish go with the flow." it's not so funny now but still, quite random.

anyway, pardon me for my tangential thought. studying was not as fun as i would like it to be. actually, studying is bad!!! *horrors* why? because it kills your brain cells and gives you flabby arms and big asses. and it makes you hungry.

but of course, we are suppose to come up with balanced arguments. so let's see...actually studying has its benefits too. you see, it contributes significantly to the economy. since studying makes you more hungry, you buy more food. that means more production which means more income! and when people study, they are usually armed with portable music players (such as the ipod families). the more pple study, the more they are in need of such devices, and tat-la! another case of increase production. and not forgetting all the health supplements pple eat to boost their brain power.

(the harmful effect of mugging the entire day has begun to manifest itself. if you haven't realise.)

oh i got an ipod nano now. so i'm thinking of selling my older mp3 player. it's only half a year old technically...so if anyone wants it, come look for me...it's a white shiro 512mb with an SD card slot so you can actually increase memory size up to 1GB + 512mb. yeah.

speaking of my ipod nano. anyone knows where to get it engraved? i should call up the apple cenres to ask. coz all ipod nanos look the same and i'm kinda scared tt pple will gope it. =X

xiwern...where's my army rations...i realised how useful it could be during my period of mugging. the canteen's not open, so there's no proper food in school unless you go out and da bao. which wastes time. so for the past few days i've been feeding on bread and sandwiches. *miserere~~*

law of diminishing returns: an increase in number of hours put into studying will lead to a decrease in productivity and the amount of crap you can cram into your brain.

tension. tention. hiyo.

selfish.

2006-02-24T16:40:00.000+08:00

sigh. i'm such a selfish person.

i wish i can spare more thought to how he feels, try to fit into his shoes, see how hard he has been working, see how much he loves me. but no, i give way to my little insecurities.

i wish i can do something more, beyond myself, beyond my restricted frame of mind.

i wish i really know what love is.

i'm such a lousy girlfriend. He deserves something better. but hey, too bad for you...coz we promised to keep trying didn't we? haha.

ok i should stop crying. it doesn't help in my recovery.

switchin off my handphone

2006-02-24T11:45:00.000+08:00

i think associating with other people is so hard. you have to take care of their needs and be senstitive to everything they think feel do. and sometimes you get irritated coz you are confused about what you should or shouldn't do, coz you dunno what they really wanted.

i should learn to switch my handphone off sometimes. i don't have the right to contact others as much as they have the right to contact me.

i wish i can break this massive chunk of him into understandable bits. i'm not messaging him anymore.

still feeling dizzy.

baked brain

2006-02-24T10:22:00.000+08:00

hihi. i'm sick.

i fell asleep at 8.30pm the night before, the earliest yet in history. the next morning i had difficulty climbing out of bed, not because i felt sleepy, but because once i climbed out of bed and sit up or stand up, my heart rate would increase tremendously.

i'm quite glad i decided to take pink slip and go home..it turned out that i had a fever of 38 degrees Celsius, and i didn't even realise that i had a fever, just wondering why the world is spinning around me. and i felt comfortably warm in the freezing air conditioned north lodge classroom. and my eyelids were heavy despite the lengthy sleep i had the night before. and how it felt as if my head was hammered every time i coughed.

is 38 degrees celsius considered high? hmm.

i think i've had fever quite a number of times this year, just that i never knew....coz i dun have a thermometer. MOE!!! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE US A NEW SET OF THERMOMETER?? i am going to buy one for myself if you guys aren't going to supply one >=( (man i sound like a spoilt brat)

but nevertheless, it's an interesting experience falling soooo sick. it feels like taking drugs i suppose (no i haven't taken drugs as in that kind of drugs before thank you).

i'm spinning around....get out of my way... wee!!

i think i should have my brain checked. maybe it's baked for too long.

army rations

2006-02-16T19:42:00.000+08:00

oh btw, guys in army...do spare me some of your army rations when you book out! not that i really like the food, but i find them really convenient to eat. (you just put them in the OHP in class for 4 minutes with the lights on and leave it there for as long as you want after switching the lights off and it'll be steaming hot) perfect for lazy bums like me! lol. and you can squeeze the food out of the packet. you don't even need utensils and two hands to eat a proper meal! i can do my tutorial and eat at the same time. what a time saver.

btw, please don't tell the teachers i've been cooking with the OHP. -_-"

the week so far.

2006-02-16T18:39:00.000+08:00

haven't been writing for a while, coz i hadn't gone online for weeks.

Dan's got cancer. it was confirmed last monday. actually i kinda expected it all these while, since the very first time he called me in the middle of his church youth camp complaining of ominous back ache. and the whole month of MRI scan and bone scan and PET scan and anxious anticipation of test results have prepared me for this. or so i thought. when i knew that it was confirmed i went a bit konky, breaking down in the midst of econs tutorial and choir...but God has been kind and saw me through, and He brought me to meet this woman at the Elijah bookstore near my house to share her testimony and faith in Him, bringing me much hope and comfort...i'll share more about her some other time.

had been going to the hospital every day while he's in it. SGH is an unconducive place for recuperation; the building is lit with cold, hard white lights, the the cancer patients stare at one another with blank and sunken faces, and there's not many nice scenic places to walk around. outside the window you see sky scrapers and carpark. everything smells surgically clean and unfriendly. i have to say that the nurses are pretty and nice, but dan's doctor-in-charge has low EQ and is professionally unsympathetic.

it's not so much of an obligation to be there i suppose. Dan said it's fine if i don't go there every day. but i want to be there for him every possible moment. not because he's now my boyfriend but because i love him. but as much as i would like to deny it, i was drained physically. i would get home really late (around 1030pm - 11pm), sleep later and wake up early to do my work. i find myself unable to survive through the day without gulping down a can of nescafe mocha before lessons. i told myself that i have to be disciplined and will have to do some work in the hospital when i'm with dan. By God's grace i hadn't had problems with coping with work so far.

but being tired all the time strains my relationship with people, no matter how nice and optimistic i try to be. for one i get irate when i am tired. i feel annoyed at the slightest thing, and i found myself developing this i-don't-really-care-what-happens-to-other-people-come-back-to-me-when-i'm-less-tired attitude towards even my friends. and i began to hate choir for the long and draining practices. and with valentines day on tues and fun o rama this sat i can't get adequate rest at all. just today i shouted at arvind "EHF U LAR ARVIND KUMAR" after he fooled around making a mess and refusing to help with cleaning up towards the end of prep for fun o rama. although my friends and i totally think he deserves such treatment (he claimed that he had to go for soccer training at 4pm but apparently he went to the canteen to slack some more), i shouldn't have sworn (by daniel's definition, words like ehf (not F**k but alphabet F), cow, fish, carrots, shit, what the hell, are all considered swear words). haven't sworn for a long time you can imagine how pissed i was.

in such trying time when ourselves become extremely unreliable we can only rely on God to bring us through..

Joel gave me a big pack of kit kats. he said it was symbolic. i think so too.
oh btw, thank you every one who has made my valentines day such a flower-ful and gift-ful and friends-ful and fun-ful one =) i've never receive so many flowers and chocolates and balloons on valentines day before. i have 5 months supply of junk food in my fridge now. (#>_<) hohoho.

God has been kindest to me. now all i need is more sleep. i'm going to concuss now.

promises

2006-02-06T21:19:00.000+08:00

I am never as prepared as I want myself to be, but at least I’m better at controlling myself this time. I promise I will not fall into a state of depression, I promise that I will let life go on, I promise that I will be strong, I promise that I will smile, I promise that I will be hopeful, I promise that I will look at the bright side, I promise that I will keep up my work, I promise that I will not wallow in sorrow, I promise…

I promise that I will still love God.

And I promise that I will always love you and we’ll get through this together.

I don’t promise that I will not cry, but I will wipe my tears dry every time I do and I will look in your eyes and I will praise God for His creation and rejoice because He allowed all this to happen and this is for better and not for worse.

If I can beg and plea…God please let him be ok.

And thank you my dear friends for lending me your strength and giving me your support. I can’t do this alone.

We're so far away– Mae

Remembering, everything, about my world and when you came. Wondering the change you bring means nothing else would be the same. Did you know what you were doing?
Did you know? Did you know how you would move me? Well, I don’t really think so.
But the night came down and swept us away…
And the stars, they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene to date.

How could we know? That song, this show, we’d learn so much about ourselves. From Toledo to Tokyo, the words were scribed on every page and now there’s book up on our shelves.

Did you know how you would move us? Did you know? When the light came down upon us and we saw the Everglow. And the moment’s magic swept us away. And a young man’s dream was almost seen so plain.

When was the night that showed us the sign? Revealed in the sky to leave all behind. But where to begin? Throwing caution to the wind, we reach for the stars, everything was now ours…

Did you know how you would move me? Did you know? Did you know how you would move me? Well, I don’t really think so. But the moments’ magic swept us away. And it’s so close but we’re so far away…it’s so close but we’re so far away.

A life without TV

2006-02-02T23:27:00.000+08:00

This couple went on a one-year-without-tv lifestyle makeover and see their relationship improve...maybe it's really time that all of us start moving away from the tv screen and start spending the time on other things and people. i stopped watching tv since i moved out of my aunt's place 2 and a half years ago, and i feel cleansed and refined. give it a try?

click here to read the article

i'm dropping chem...lalala.

2006-02-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

hey people, after realising the total irrelevance of chemisty in Alvls in my life, i've decided...I'M DROPPING CHEM!
and i'm quite happy about it coz it gives me 9 more periods of free time plus countless other hours of hw time to concentrate on other more relevant subjects. and do other things that are more worthy of my time than chemistry....

sigh it feels very odd now that i'm dropping chem. i figured that i'm afraid of change, afraid of letting go. i feel more comfortable sticking to the old notion of "the more capable do more"...the very same notion that led me to stumble so many other times. i'm tired of over-juggling.

and it's not that i hate chem...although i often have no idea what is going on in class, my results were still better (somehow) than alot of other people. i just find it irrelevant to my life. and i m absolutely not interested in chemistry (which doesn't help). and none of the faculties that i may want to do in Uni requires chem (and bio actually, but i love bio). yeah i just need my 3As and i should be quite safe.

time...i need time.

tired. it's been a looong day.

THE BIRTH OF MY NEW PHOTO ALBUM!!

2006-01-29T23:23:00.000+08:00

Celebrating the birth of my new online photo album!!!!

i have been looking for ways to publish my photos online. i tried using hello! blog, but it's soooo troublesome. i tried using online photo album service, but it's so slow and irritating. but now....*drum rolls* i found a solution!

tat-la! visit my new photo album! it's quite simple coz i dun have the time to spice it up, and uploading of photos take time = but well it's functional and pretty fuss-free.

you can visit it by clicking on "photos" at the navigation bar on the left, or you can go direct at http://vilz.bravehost.com.

still have a bunch of photos to upload..i'll do it another time. =) i love taking photos! =)

CNY update

2006-01-29T13:57:00.000+08:00

hasn't been blogging for a looong while. didn't really have the time to, but since it's CNY now and i don't have any family visiting to do...i shall blog.

things have been happening. oh well if you were there you will know what's going on, so i shan't elaborate further...just wanna thank everyone who offered their prayers and comfort to Dan and i. it's a comforting thought to have a bunch of people whom you can count on and fall back on.

and i know that God has His plans. Plans so perfect and so unimaginable. Plans to prosper and not to harm us.

So Lord i entrust Daniel into Your hands. Let us adopt the attitude of Jesus Christ.

The prayers that we say so often now...God hear us.

And let us love each other as we love You.

i don't know.

2006-01-16T20:19:00.000+08:00

I guess the reason why i hardly talk about it to anyone was because i can't find the words to express myself. Words alone do not suffice when it comes to describing all that i'm feeling.

Dan's still waiting for further tests, but it's been pretty bad so far.

and honestly, i don't want to think about it until things are confirmed. so i've been actively distracting myself, drifting in and out of blankness.

i guess i am afraid, afraid of the nightmare coming through. i'm forlorn, because i have no idea what to do and have absolutely no control over anything. i'm sad, when i see his red eyes and nose and his frail, skinny frame i just want to go over and hug him. i want to smile and brighten his day...i don't know what else i can do.

haven't really been talking to God coz i just don't want to think about it. i was carrying it all by myself, trying to pretend that i'm all right, i'm strong. just yesterday i realised that it was a stupid facade i was wearing, totally pointless and hurts myself and others even more.

i love him. i can't bear to let him go.

God i really need You here. I don't know what Your plans are, and it's so pointless telling You that we trust in Your plan but secretly wishing that things would go as we both want it. Lord if You would listen to my plea...I want him to live. i want to be together with him. Father if there's anything that i can do...anything at all...i would do it, if he is to live. Father i wish i can carry his pain on myself instead.

and the truth is i can never be ready for this. i'm not strong enough. Lord i can only rely on You. there's nothing i can do....just like there's nothing i can do to repay Your grace and love. But Lord teach me to trust...for faith always waivers in the face of uncertainty. I know You love him too...so much more than my love for him.

getting together

2006-01-06T00:00:00.000+08:00

hi guys... i'm in the midst of orientation. alot has happened..i'll fill you guys in if i hav more time.
meanwhile....Daniel and I just got together officially.. =)

haha. =)

sunir's wedding...

2005-12-26T21:53:00.000+08:00

Sang for Sunir's wedding today. i kept praying that God let me trust Him and let me do it for Him and not for myself. it turned out not too bad...although i made some mistakes here and there. but given my bad throat (down with a flu) and my lack of preparation time, i'm quite happy with it.

i hope those who heard the songs are blessed by them =)

patrick suggested that i go cut an album. he said he'll talk to sunir about letting me do some recording stuff. hmm. but i don't want to be a pop singer...i want to sing my own songs. and i want to sing with a purpose. i don't want to be an idol...an object of worship. i want to get in touch with people.

orientation camp tml! it's the crash camp, so i think it'll be very hectic. just pray that God blesses me with good health and determination to finish my last day of fasting and prayer...and let me learn the dance quick enough. argh.

waiting...for the new year. =)

My Christmas Invitation...to you.

2005-12-25T21:00:00.000+08:00

yesterday i tore those pages out of the little white notebook and burnt them at a corner of the badminton court near my house.

i had wanted to do so long ago. i guess i was too lazy.

but i knew that if i had torn those pages out earlier it wouldn't be because i've resolved those issues in my heart, but rather because of a need to escape from the pain it brought.

i remembered that night when i wept and cried as God reached into me and took it all out.

as i squat there watching the papers darken and the words fade, i didn't really feel anything. the only thought in my mind was: please don't let anything else catch fire.

burning those papers alone will not liberate you from the past...it's something that only God can do. i guess i'm burning them because they don't mean anything to me anymore.

and i believed that i have experienced the liberation from God. it is a good feeling, knowing that creatures of the past will no longer prance upon you to devour you.

God is happy to take away our guilt and pain, if only you allow Him into your hearts.
You are precious in His eyes...so precious that He would send His only begotten son to die for you.

Friends, this is an open invitation to submit your hurts and agony to God..it's your turn to resolve the anger and be liberated from the guilt that is buried deep within you. just pray earnestly, and God will hear your pleas. in His perfect love He will set you free.

only God knows.

2005-12-15T21:27:00.000+08:00

sigh...econs online study is soooooo boring. i wonder when i can finish it. i hope i finish it before the test...and i hope that the teachers would have a set of printed notes for us. it's very troublesome to keep refering online, and it's even more traumatizing to make your own notes, coz it's sooooooo long (and sooooooo boring).

argh...should have taken chinese instead. econs is a useful but ultra boring subject. Chinese refines the heart and mind.

but i figured i shouldn't be the one complaining. i was the one who chose to take the subject again just to get back to SD5. and i've asked God about it, and prayed that He open the doors if He wants me back in SD5. He granted my request and miraculously put me back in SD5.

we complain, about everything. we complain non-stop, whether we get what we want or not. i think i'll have as much to complain about whether i take econs or chinese, whether i'm in SD5 or SC9, whether i'm in AC or RJ.

you noe, in econs, we talk about unlimited human wants. i say, this is human nature.

we are never satisfied, like a bottomless pit of unfulfillable desires. out of our foolishness we do not know what is good for us, and out of our blindness we do not see light. and the worst thing is that we walk around feeling important, feeling intelligent, talking like we know what we saying, making decisions thinking that they must be right, since we've weighed out every little consequence.

only God sees. only God knows.

so let's trust our lives in Him, and stop being stupid.

look, the shooting star

2005-12-14T22:06:00.000+08:00

such a beautiful day
a gentle reminder
my heart was too tender
i'm sorry, but
the tears wouldn't stop rolling
God knows what's happening inside.
i really want to cry out loud
to borrow your shoulders
but no my heart is not big enough for all the courage i need.
the sadness lingers on
like the echos from a weeping violin
it's got to end somehow
just like how it begins
but your smile, your smile
it's like a breeze in summer
soothing to the dulling ache
going as it comes
why is my heart so tightly tuned to yours
i have no idea
but you lift my days up as easily as you let them down
it was bliss, although
it is not just about happiness
look, how the shooting star falls
the promises, the promise.

Faith and Law

2005-12-13T21:07:00.000+08:00

Paul mentioned in Romans 3:25 that "we are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed His blood, sacrificing his life for us" , and in verse 27 that "our acquittal is not based on our good deeds. It is based on our faith". He then goes on to say in verse 31, "well then, if we emphasize faith, does this mean that we can forget about the law? Of course not! In fact, only when we have faith do we truly fulfill the law."

i have been pondering what does it mean by "only when we have faith do we truly fulfill the law". here's just abit of the systematic thinking...

First, let's analyze the reasons to fulfill the law. There are two main reasons for fulfilling the law. There's one that is to escape punishment, and the other one that is done out of love. People do their best to fulfill the law mostly out of reverence of God. They think that by fulfilling the law, their relationship with God will be right, and that they can be free from punishment, that they will be declared righteous in Godâ€™s eyes. The second reason to fulfill the law is out of love for God.

Do I not sin because I'm afraid of punishment? Not really, since I know that Christ has taken away our sins and will continue to forgive us for everything that we do. But I do not do those things because it will damage the relationship between me and God. It's like cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend, or let's just say doing something that the other party obviously don't like. Even though there may be forgiveness, the other party is still hurt. Similarly, sin hurts God (in a sense. Iâ€™m just explaining in layman's terms), and it draws us away from God. We do not sin because we love God, and we want to have an intimate relationship with God. This kind of obedience is obedience out of love and respect of the other party, while obedience out of fear is driven by selfish motives of not wanting punishment upon ourselves instead of sparing a thought for the other party.

And how do we obey out of love if we do not know that we share eternal life with Jesus? How do we obey out of love if we do not know that all sins will be forgiven? Godâ€™s love is demonstrated by sacrificing Jesus Christ on the cross. How do we love God freely if we do not see Him as a loving God first? And faith stems from this love that is developed out of God's love.

If we do not love God, and our obedience to the law is only so that we will escape punishment, there will be times that we fall back to our evil habits because our basis of obedience was not right in the first place. Our efforts become hypocritical, just like slaves who pretend to be good in front of their masters. But when we obey out of love, we will make extra effort not to go back to our old habits. It's only when we have faith do we truly fulfill the law, because Love encompasses all aspects of obedience.

moving out of media.

2005-12-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

yeah! found an open line in my room! so happy. which means i can access internet in my room instead of having to go all the out into the unconducive living room. which means i can be free from the distraction of media! and have a proper table to use while i access the net! =)

distraction from the TV has always been a problem for me. i don't really like to watch tv, with all that junk and trashy shows up in the programme. visual media is a powerful tool to alter your perspectives, to shape your thoughts, to influence your language usage. after being forced to watch all the chinese programmes while i'm out in the living room, i realised i started thinking in chinese instead of english, and that is a chore for me if i wanna write in english.

and furthermore, the programmes on tv teaches all the wrong values. there are alot of shows up on channel 8 that advocates for "instant slim", sponsored by the slimming centres of course. it tells people that slim is beautiful, that fat people are ugly. your personality doesn't matter as much as how you look, and that you can join da slim club if you are willing to spend some money in the slimming centres. what a powerful force sweeping through our culture! and an evil one indeed. the society is taught to be superficial in their judgement of other people. hardly anyone bothers to try hard enough to dig beneath the pile of expensive make up and perfume and designer wears anymore.

i'm not saying that fat people should remain fat, coz being fat has its health risks. what i'm saying is that they should not be condemned for being fat, and the fats should not overshadow the inner beauty of that person. and if you know you are fat, for goodness sake go exercise. the whole point of keeping slim is to keep healthy, and not just to look good.

some people are surprised to hear of my regular gym visits.
"aiya you so thin no need to go gym already lar."
but they totally missed the point. in order to keep slim, all i have to do is watch what i eat, coz i have a naturally high metabolism rate. but keeping slim doesn't equate to keeping fit. for a list of what exercising can do for you, go search the net yourself. heehee.

ok. end of my babbling. abit out of point, but really....

Musicking

2005-12-11T19:50:00.000+08:00

This is what I had thought about when I was bathing. My singing is not welcoming enough to people. This is because I am not sincere enough to people. Also, the motive of my singing is that I like to sing, and I like to hear my voice, and I like to assure myself that my voice is good enough. Singing because I like to sing, meaning that singing is a hobby. This in itself is not wrong, but when it comes to singing to people, singing should be more than a hobby. It is about glorifying God with your voice; about sharing the music with the listener, and not about creating the music for yourself, just because you like it. In order to welcome people to your voice you have to have a bigger picture than yourself. You have to expand your horizon and connect with the people around you. The aim is no longer just to satisfy yourself, but to satisfy the people who are musicking with you and those who are listening to you. It is opening the door to your world, and not just opening a window on your enclosed heart.

In order to do that, you have to love the people that you are with. Love them enough to want to share the emotions and song with them. Let it come from the bottom of your heart and not some professional, put-up masks painted with various grimaces that would allow you to be detached and expressive at the same time. Think! What does each and every song mean to you? Think! Think of the great things that God has done for you, for mankind, of His unfailing Love to everyone. Love His people for He has loved us first. I hardly harvest enough love for them, let alone invite them to my world.

My heart is so small, and it can only contain a few. Lord I pray that You expand my heart, and let me love your people. Help me not judge people unkindly, open my eyes to the beauty of them and draw me closer to You.

Then what about when I was doing worship? Lord I really dunno what to think. Why is it that sometimes I feel that I'm worshipping You sincerely but people can't see it? So am I doing it or am I deceiving myself that I'm doing it? I always thought we should spread the passion, so I'd always do my best to be enthusiastic so as to bring the congregation in. am I trying to hard? Am I doing it in a way too professional that I lose it instead? Lord You know that I really want to worship You, really want to help people worship You as well, but I'm so afraid that my voice won't minister to people. I don't want them to feel weird or uncomfortable. I'm glad Nad came over and told me that she was ministered to on the night of Worship under the Stars. But what about other people, on other times? Like chapel? Perhaps I had not prayed enough, perhaps I am not focused enough. How come I don't hear this comment on anybody else? Why is nobody else pinpointed as a 'performer' rather than a 'worshipper' other than me? Is it just me, then? Does it mean that worship songs should be sung with a weaker, less polished voice? Is it really my fault? Paul said, try to please everyoneâ€¦ Lord, I really dunno how to please everyone. I think I should speak to Andre and Shadrach about it. Perhaps I shouldn't sing in the worship team in school, since I serve more as a distraction than help.

Sigh. Worship should be a very personal thing right. It is not about inviting people to your world anymore, isn't it? I dunno. Sometimes I wish I can just stay on the floor and not on the stage so that I can sing praises without worrying about others and having people judging me. Sigh Lord, I pray that this situation be resolvedâ€¦at least in my heart. if not, I'm not going to sing anymore.

i'm a hungry lazy bum.

2005-11-29T18:18:00.000+08:00

sigh. staying at home is so boring. telemarketing is a boring job. and i hope my phone bills aren't too high this month.

feeling weak. i think i'm keeping myself hungry and sleep-deprived for too long. although i didn't lose weight dramatically, i lost so much fats my thighs can't meet each other anymore. alright, perhaps tt's a good thing. but feeling weak is not good. i feel hungry, but i have no appetite, and there's nothing much to eat at home except for instant noodles (which i'd rather not touch unless i have to)

in the end i couldn't stand it and went downstairs to get myself tang yuan and wholemeal bread and cake. btw, ghim moh market is just opposite my flat. yes, i'm that lazy..

wanted to go gym today, but by the time i finish what i have to do for the day it was 5 pm already. feel like running, but i dun like joggin along the road side, coz i'll be freezing as i jog when the cars drive by. so i will stick to the treadmill in the school gym.

have cf camp tml, but for some reason dun really feel like going. my holiday is so packed, and i'm tired. i wish i have more time..to think and to do work and to rest. and to sing and to play guitar. and to watch more dvds. and to READ! but it's choir choir choir choir cf church choir og og og choir choir. oh well, i wouldn't mind if my life is just choir actually. haha. but the truth is that i still need to do other stuff. that's when the strain comes in. ah well.

tired..and hungry. ok i think i should pick myself up and get down to buy some dinner. *slump* sigh this is a vicious cycle. the more tired i am, the less i want to go down and buy food. the less food i get, the more i feel hungry and tired. gah. *imitating dumbledore* *snap snap* let there be food! ok it's not working...(-_-")

ok maybe i should wait till i stop feeling hungry. sigh i'm becoming anorexic due to laziness. this is so stupid.

Rituals...dressing of heart.

2005-11-23T22:59:00.000+08:00

"It would have been better to come back at the same time of day," said the fox. "For instance, if you come at four in the afternoon, when three o'clock strikes i shall begin to feel happy. The closer our time approaches, the happier I shall feel. By four o'clock i shall already be getting agitated and worried; I shall be discovering that happiness has its price! But if you show up at any old time, I'll never know when to start dressing my heart for you...We all need rituals."

--- The fox, The Little Prince

I didn't understand it when I first read it in Secondary One, but now the words of the fox reaches deep to the heart.

The agitation that mounts up as the clock hand maneuver itself across the clock face; the excitement as I check myself in the mirror time and again to make sure I look right for the occasion; the effort suppress the urge to get to the meeting place earlier than I should. The ritual, the dressing of heart.

The ritual takes other forms as well, depending on the occasion. Sometimes it comes with a promise of a phone call at a particular time. As I stare at the clock I would be thinking of what to say, how to say it, and what more to say.

The ritual to me is like the drum roll that leads up to an orchestrated, dramatic and effective clash of cymbal. If all goes well, the preparation mounts up to tremendous happiness and relief, and you feel like the anticipation has had its rewards. However, if the person is the sort of early bird, the ritual will be disrupted prematurely. Yet being early is better than being late. I hate it when the person I'm meeting (and whom I regard as important) is late. It is exactly the same as an extended drum roll; after too much delay the build up to climax is transformed to an anticlimax.

And if you are late, for goodness sake always apologise, even if the person you are meeting does not have a very strong stand in your heart. I remember waiting for a friend whom I saw as important for a good 20 minutes and he came up without a hint of apology, and even made a remark that since I'm the one waiting, it should be okay. Trust me, it was not a pleasant experience for both of us.

And I remember many instances when my supposed close friends were supposed to call me at certain times but failed to do so. The level of disappointment is proportionate to the space they occupy in my heart.

And that's why I try to be exactly on time when I meet the ones whom I have tamed and who have tamed me. (For those who are wondering why I'm almost always late for school...well, go figure -_-")

And promise...you're going to be on time too, right?

Jesus Blood never failed me yet

2005-11-22T22:30:00.000+08:00

i'm hungry...
really shouldn't be eating so late, but i couldn't resist the temptation to cook myself a pot of instant noodles. was quite irritated coz i didn't really know how to ignite the fire at the stove and sustain it. why is that so? you may ponder, coz after all i've been living here for almost a year and should have cooked many meals with the stove. oh well...all along i've been just putting the raw noodles into a bowl of water and shoving them into the microwave oven. i hardly ever cook it the conventional way.

well until i read an article that my cousin sent to me about how microwaved food contains carcinogenic substances. instant noodle itself is already rather unhealthy. i'd rather not put myself at such high risk if i can help it -_-".

sigh...but it's so troublesome! by using the microwave oven to cook my noodles, i just have a bowl and a plate and fork and spoon to wash. but by using conventional oven, i have the pot, the cover, the bowl and fork and spoon to wash...and the hassle of lighting the fire and watching the flame!! *grumbles* when you live alone....it's likely that you would want to save yourself the trouble. =X

chatted with my mum till 1 am yesterday. msn is an amazing tool of communication. it eradicates the awkwardenss of having to address certain issues face-to-face. so it was basically a trash out session. talked about my childhood in singapore, and many things that my mum didn't know, about what my aunt had done and hadn't done. after all that i realised that i still hold so much bitterness within me about the time spent in her household. i guess i literally hate her sometimes..and mourn my lost childhood. there is a reason why i hated myself as a kid...the sense of vulnerability, naiveity, helplessness, unrespected and neglect, especially being able to do things on my own but having to go through my aunt because of age limits. i'm hurt, do you know that? my heart is callused and hardened...yet i have no choice but to stand my two flat feet. and you wonder why i was such an obstinate child who do things my own way...you caused it. and after two years i can still feel the pain as i typed this now. two years isn't that long.

all the mistakes made. all the hurt caused, all the opportunities lost...may take a lifetime to undo. i thought i could just push it aside and lead a life unshadowed by the past, but i've forgotten that the shadow simply falls behind you when you face the sunshine...it doesn't disappear.

for those who think that i'm being melodramatic on my blog, you can leave now.

God. i need God. desperately. the One who has sailed me through the storms.
time can't heal me...it just buries the past. but God's light enshrouds me and leaves no trace of darkness...You are my light and salvation, whom shall i fear?

Jesus blood never failed me yet.

books are sources of inspiration

2005-11-21T22:29:00.000+08:00

yeah! i reformatted my computer. so happy, can finally double-click after 1 year of totally screwed com setup.

i think i need to read more and feel more. i feel that my horizon is narrowing after being so inactive in my reading activities. textbooks don't usually give you any addition imaginary power. newspaper articles can only get you this far. (like i'm sure information on koisumi revisiting the shrine or Jet star expanding their flight routes to India inspire you)

yeah, read. tovya~~~ i'm depending on you =P

i'm hungry. does it sound familiar? sigh i dun understand my body sometimes. i've eaten so much for dinner already...i'll go bankrupt if i continue to indulge in food like this.

talkin to my mum on msn. how cool is that! i'm really happy for her. for a technology illiterate like her, this is a major break through. sometimes i feel sad that she's somewhat left behind by the rumbling age of technology, that she's having such a hard time picking up new stuff. but i guess it's just like my mum to persevere on. i'm proud of my mother. (and i wonder where i inherited my spirit from)

quite happy today. i like feeling completely at ease with him and with myself. =)

technology fails

2005-11-20T16:35:00.000+08:00

there seem to be something wrong with my blog. the layout if not displaying properly. hmmp. and my com is getting screwed by all the random softwares that i have installed and uninstalled. so irritating! technology fails us from time to time. oh well, everything fails us from time to time.

except for God =)

Confusion

2005-11-18T13:40:00.000+08:00

Confusion
eats your mind
One of those times when you feel like you're alone
where has everybody else gone?
Stop it
they are playing junk on the radio
DJ why don't you get a life and stop being cooped up doing pointless job
I can see the leaves rustling outside the window
but why is the air so amazingly still?
this plotted abandonment
the conspiracy to disorientate my mind
I want to believe in tooth fairies
in Santa Claus
in Snow White
in the promise of happily ever after
no but the shell wouldn't contain me
it bursts open and shatters into pieces
I can only pray that I don't get cut
virtuality and reality
which would you rather live in?
For all you know the matrix really exists
and God takes a different form than what we know
love
a fuzzy thing that bites
you try to touch
the next thing you know
your finger disappears. and you only have yourself to laugh at. Haha.
Pardon my bored existence
perhaps this shouldn't have happened
they hysterical display of laughter or tears
are gray dots on a white background
what does it spell?
confusion.

-------

ok i may even write this into a song someday.

sky. why.

2005-11-17T21:59:00.000+08:00

Sky--

What is it that something that's welling up in me
I struggle to recognise
What is it that brought you here
the mystery's unclear
but i'm afraid of what this song may do
when this fades away
just like how it triggers
that January night me and you

Was it your eyes that sparkled in the dark
when we said goodnight
what was it that brought us here
the mystery's unclear
but i'm afraid of what you may think and do
when this gets out of hand
just like how it triggers
that April morn, me and you

I may not realise it myself
it's been months of fine-tuning
what is all this synchronisation leading to
I try to think
But my courage wouldn't take me there

when you look up to the sky what do you see?
i see two people interconnected through space in liberty
you may not have understood how the clouds had dawned on me
it wasn't impulse of the movement
it is a promise of eternity

Do we share in that promise?
do we make our own promise?
how do we see beyond the unspoken
i thought i'd discover the answers through a gentle smile
but i ain't so sure
i'd beg for an answer
but i told you i'm afraid
and perhaps before i know it
you'll disappear just like the rest

---

i feel like i've fallen from the sky and crashed onto the ground in a snap of a finger.
why.

anti social me

2005-11-17T00:49:00.000+08:00

i realised that i am very anti-social when i am tired.

and i am tired.

therefore i just can't be bothered.
grr.

me? what am i thinking?

2005-11-11T23:26:00.000+08:00

now that i know what you are thinking, i wish i know what i am thinking.

it's kinda funny, coz what you said only started to sink in an hour and a half after.
well, i thought i could stay calm and cool about it. so it's just my slow reaction.

and i don't really know what to think.

a part of me is really glad, but a part of me just wants to shove it aside and forget it. simpler that way.

i guess i am just as afraid to commit as you are.

but one thing i know for sure, and that is we gotta have clear boundaries. what we are, we are. what we are not, we won't act like we are. So if things don't turn out the way we want it, at least it won't hurt that much.

meanwhile, i really don't know what else to do.
wait? pray?
pardon me for my garbled thoughts.

dreams. clouds.

2005-11-09T20:59:00.000+08:00

dreams.
what does it mean when that person keep appearing in your dreams?

clouds.
i look up at the clouds
and i believe that heaven exists.

tots.

2005-11-07T23:15:00.000+08:00

higher expectations lead to higher disappointment.

i think i expect too much from my friends.

Mail: Thank You God

2005-11-07T22:30:00.000+08:00

i got this mail forwarded to me from Hazel:

<<>>

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received." I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section. The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section," my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
"How is it that? There's no work going on here?" I asked.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.
"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. "Just say, "Thank you, God"
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world."
"If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy."
"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."
"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day. "
"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 700 million people in the world"
"If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare."
"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you are unique to all those in doubt and despair."
"Ok, what now? How can I start?"

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all. Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

ATTN: Acknowledgement Department - Thank You God! "Thank you God, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it.

my day

2005-11-04T00:26:00.000+08:00

was woken up this morning at 12.30am by ben.

"Hey Vick, we're having this casual gathering at Debo's house tml, you wanna come?"

(-_-;;) haha i went in the end. while commuting on the MRT i was wondering if Ben really called me or was i dreaming, so i had to sms debo to confirm...hehe.

turned up in blouse and jeans coz i wasn't really sure what they mean by "Casual gathering". kinda regretted when i realised they are all in berms and tees. oh well, it's not like i have berms to begin with =X

but it was really fun with those guys at debo's house...watched two movies. Catch me if you can is so inspiring, esp for the guys...hahah don't be surprised if they start to catch on a few pick up lines from the movies here and there. White Chicks is SICK. ok the guys claimed that it's funny...it does have some contorted humorous elements, but it's inundated with sexual connotations and dirty jokes. (ok now i see people scrambling to watch that movie) and it's so uncomfortable watching that with guys around. *grrr* or rather...it's embarrassing watching it anyway. =XX

and basically we played piano (no i didn't play, they did) and sang (choir people....) and threw deflated balls around and ate food, ice cream and chips. going gym tml! =)

and we went Jurong point for dinner at Pizza Hut. and limmie and i ended up suanning each other (shhhh...) it was quite funny. i was having gastric so Jon Tang went out and got yakult for me...thanks dude!

oh btw, debo's got cool siblings =) it's good to meet them, Priscilla and Samuel. Priscilla and Debo are quite alike in my opinion...not just the size but part of the personality too.

kinda tired. but it's a fun day. hmm but you know what i feel guilty for playing the whole day. wishh i can give myself more lax coz it's the hols..but come to think about it there isn't really much time to spare. but then, spending time with frens is important. nvm i shall continue in my quest to balance the two....have to find a part time job soon. i dunno how i am going to balance all that. Choir, church, part time job, school work, self-enrichment, friends, rest, entertainment. but i'll have to do it anyway.

God bless my friends....=)

i restringed my own guitar~~

2005-11-01T11:58:00.000+08:00

major accomplishment of the day!!!!

I RESTRINGED MY OWN GUITAR!! muhahahaah...

so happy now =DDDD

brought my guitar to choir yesterday to ask Joel to help me restring, but he too don't know how to do it. so in the end it was a wasted effort bringing the guitar to and fro.

i was getting pretty fed up coz i really want to play guitar, and i don't want to play a 5 sting guitar. so i decided to depend on myself and attempt to restring it myself.

struggled for half an hour to 45 mins. and there you go! so proud of myself. *clap clap clap* haha never did it before neh~

lalalalalala~~~~

start of holidays

2005-11-01T10:30:00.000+08:00

u noe what, i'm bored....

woke up at 10am to Vivaldi's Summer (or is it autumn) first movement. feeling lerthargic and sian coz there's nothing exciting to do. as in, there're lots of stuff to do like clearing up my room and refiling all my stuff and read GP articles and visit the library for a book trip or make myself breakfast, but somehow i just don't feel like doing anything. yet at the same time i want to do something. argh.

the weather is really good outside though.
perhaps some rock music will set the molecules in my cells to start vibrating more vigorously and then i'll get some false sense of being hyped up. =X

didn't go for the bio S paper selection test. i'm still wondering if my decision of not taking S paper is the right one. didn't really pray about it, but i hope God will guide me through anyway.

waiting for the OGL selection list to come out. ah!! i really really really want to be an OGL. REALLY. kinda reflected on my attitude towards council election, how i wasn't sure about being a councillor but went for it for the sake of going for it, how i wasn't sure what i was committing to, how i have no idea the clashes with choir are going to be worked out but taking it for granted that there'll be not much of a prob. sigh, absolute naiveity. and how i was so arrogant i didn't even bother preparing for the interview. i think all these factors added up to the grittiness i experience during the OGL interview. i was afraid i'll make the same mistakes again, although the interviews are of very different nature.

i'm quite serious about this one. i don't care if my holiday schedule is flooding coz i really want to do it. whether i get selected or not means alot to me. which means that if i'm not selected i'll be really disappointed (this is the umpteenth time i've repeated "really" here =X). but oh well, God's got a plan for all of us, so i'll trust in His plan (although it's always easier said than done).

happy Holidays =)

joy. in my heart.

2005-10-27T20:11:00.000+08:00

by God's grace i've been feeling much better since last night. =) God has His plans and does His wonders through ordinary people. (ok, sometimes He does great things through weird people)

and today was great other than the bad sleep last night and the stupid I&R that we have to do. as in, the cloud of depression evaporated, and i was able to smile and laugh sincerely.

was doing PW all afternoon. OP tml. i hope we don't screw up. have to work on the slides later. and try to learn up all the lyrics of the new songs by tml night for worship under the stars. God, i pray that we will open our hearts to You, and You'll move Your people through our imperfection. let there be no barriers between our hearts and Yours Father. I pray for the band, and i pray for the congregation the same. Let whatever unhappiness or dissatisfaction be filled with Your love, that they'll see for themselves how great You really are. Let Your beauty dazzle them. Let Your goodness quench their thirst.

and Lord, i pray for good weather! =)

i'm not happy.
but i have joy in my heart.

you can choose not to read this either.

2005-10-26T20:55:00.000+08:00

help. i'm feeling depressed.
the most tiring thing about depression is smiling and laughing and talking to people when you don't feel like it.

during choir a voice rang in my ear, hissing, "you just can't do it. You're just not good enough."
you just can't do it. you're not good enough.
you just can't do it. you're not good enough.
you just can't do it. you're not good enough.
you just can't do it. you're not good enough.
you just can't do it. you're not good enough.

and it chanted relentlessly. relentlessly.

i'm so tired. i don't want to talk to anyone.
i wish time could make a pause to peek at my face. i wish i needn't pull myself up and move on. i want to just fall asleep and never have to worry about waking up.

beware what you wish for it may come true, but that september sky how it whispered i love you...i couldn't take it, any longer than i could stand. but the night brought sparks and the sparks brought flames, and you had to be sure this wasn't one of those games....

i'm reminded of this for some reason.

hold me in your arms, never let me go, i want to spend eternity with you...
hold me. can you?

i'm trying to cheer up, but no one's helping....or perhaps i'm not seeking help. i should stop thinking negative and get a life. freak. why am i so harsh to myself? i hate myself.

and the invisible tears tumble as i fall. my mouth opens for a silent wail. the noise of the city drowns my sorrow. look, the dancer amidst the crowd, how she fumbles.

i'm fine. or at least, i'll be fine. i think. no, you think.

you can choose not to read this. pure lamentations.

2005-10-25T13:30:00.000+08:00

feeling down.
feeling like i've let myself down.
i'm not good enough for myself.
feeling mediocre.
feels like i could have done better.
want to escape, yet i want to embrace it and fight on, although it takes so much more courage to do so.

i guess all i need is someone to have faith in me. someone who trusts that i have so much more within.
yeah. and i need to cheer up and look at the bright side.
i'm not about to lower my own standards...but i'll work even harder to achieve them. nothing less than my best.

but i'm so tired. i want to cry. i want a shoulder to cry on. i want to cry.
but yet i don't want to rub it in to those who did even worse.
if only you know what all these mean to me.
an underachiever. for 5 consecutive years. happy new year.
i wish i would stop giving myself that slack. i wish i would be less arrogant. i wish i could be less complacent. i wish i hadn't achieve so much then.

and the worst part is when i examine my life i see pockets of time without God's involvement. it's just me, me, me, me....i'm not doing enough, even in my walk with God..in my human relations...in everything i do...i'm just not good enough.

i wish i can cease to exist.

and now instead of doing something about it i'm wallowing in self pity. that makes me even more of a loser. yikes. i hate myself.

my promo results.

2005-10-23T20:54:00.000+08:00

oh, for those who were wondering how i did for my terms so far..

Bio - A
Chem - E
Math - C
Econs - O
GP - C5 (or C6, not sure)

yup yup. no comments.
------------------------------------------------------

had a wonderful day =) but awfully tiring. visited Grace SCC...went for worship prac for tml's chapel and fri's worship session for CF...going to do PW OP later.

yawns.

it was never made clear
but the answers, they are amplified
in the subtlety of a gentle smile

AC open house 2005

2005-10-22T22:47:00.000+08:00

Open House today.

we broke last year's record...sang 30 times this year in a timespan of 7.5 hours.
we sang 62 (or more) songs...of course the songs are repeated. (the random songs we sang in between performance times not taken into consideration)

wah...my tummy aches.

after everything we were still very high, so we sang gaelic blessing in the concourse. haha. and further after that, Limin, Krystal, Joel and I continued singing more random songs. the drama and dance pple walked past us and stared weirdly...and they were very nice to say, "bye choir people!"
haha.

well. basically we just kept singing, and soon more pple who stayed back for meeting or clearing up joined in. how cool is that! we were the only group around doing so =)

tiring day...but you know what, repeating a song 30 over times has never been so painless. and the jokes and out-of-pointness just kept the smiles going. and the energy we exhibited was amazing. who else but ACJC CHOIR? yeah! we rock! haha. =)

so proud of everyone.

and thanks to all the seniors who took precious time off to help out at the booth..and poppin by to give us moral support.

3 cheers and 3 cheers and 3 cheers to CHO-IR!
Hip-hip HOORAY! Hip-hip HOORAY! Hip-hip HOORAY!

A wonderful closure to a wonderful (but tiring) day...

zzZZ...

irritating people and thoughts invoked.

2005-10-19T19:53:00.000+08:00

i remember reading somewhere in the bible that tells us "do not complain". but sometimes you just can't help but ranting.

i really can't bring myself to love everyone around me. such realisation really upsets me. just today i got really irritated by a condescending classmate during PCCG. i hated it coz she thinks she knows alot but in actual fact she's just contradicting herself. i hate being told i'm wrong when i know for sure that i am right, esp by a person who doesn't know much but pretends that she does.

initially i was really pissed off, but as i thought about it i felt quite bad for dismissing her rudely when she tried to "talk some sense into me". (frankly, i wanted to keep my eyeballs rolling till they roll out of my sockets) and the more i thought about it the more i don't know what to think about it. i've been trying to like her since the beginning of the year...but failing miserably still. sigh.

and i reminded myself that perhaps i don't know as much as i think too, that i am by every standard still far from perfection and really have no right to diss her. but when i met tovya online the ranting started again. i still don't know what to think. i still think i am right. and i'm not being unreasonable.

but really, it's not the matter of who being right or wrong at times...it's the attitude that counts right? argh. her attitude stinks. mine stinks too. ok ok we are even. God, i feel so flawed, so far from Your goodness. i hate the way i judge people, i dislike myself for seeing the dark side of other people so thoroughly and so quickly. i don't like it when i can see the true colour of people ahead of everyone else. and i hate it when i don't give them a chance because i despise them for their negative traits and just slow in fixing my eyes on their good sides. and i hate myself for imposing my own standards on other people, at the same time unable to adhere strictly to the standards i set for myself.

arg, i wish i don't exist.

To my Dear SD-fivers

2005-10-17T23:32:00.000+08:00

dear people of SD5,

had the finals of AC games today. we won 1st for frisbee!!!!!! and 4th for street bendy. dunno what's our overall score, but i'm glad with what we have achieved as a class.

we're a great bunch! yeah! i think we put other classes to shame with our great unity and fighting spirit. we even have our own specialised drinking tub....our own cheer. how cool is that?
haven't felt so good about the class for a long time. when i came back after one week in SC9 i tot the class died with the change in composition of the class, and i was wondering why God decided to put me back here again. but seemed like the class spirit has been reignited. i'm glad that God opened the way back to the class. i am learning to trust in His plan.

over the past few days out in the blazing sun and intense fight we have proven to be a class of our own, that we can achieve much when our hearts unite as one and fight on with determination and much encouragement. i wonder if such grand feat can be repeated with academics. next year will be a tough year of A levels...people, let us be a source of encouragement for one another, and let God's glory shine through us. i think our class spirit can go beyond the outdoors and manifest in our conduct in the classroom. our love for one another can be exhibited not just through enthusiastic cheering but also quietness during lectures and tutorials so as to facilitate a conducive learning environment for everyone.

our class is notorious for our discipline. but hey people, this doesn't mean that we are not a bunch of good folks at the same time. moreover, i have faith that this will improve over time as we develop a little more sense of consideration for others. and i think we should set goals for the next year to come as a class. ultimately, we are in school to study. let us not loose sight of the purpose that God has for us as students despite the hustle and bustle of JC life.

"We can do all things through the strength of Jesus Christ."besides that, we can do alot of things if we choose to work as a class, SD5, class of 2006.

love, Vick

Moisturizer shopping guide

2005-10-17T22:50:00.000+08:00

i'm peeling. the dead skin came off really quickly and now i'm like 2 shades fairer. this morning when i went for morning ensemble (late coz i was applying lots of extra stuff to my face), the choir peeps were staring at me in horror and bewilderment.

"vick, what happened to you?" i must have heard that like over a thousand times over the day. i would say i looked pretty freaky with swollen eyes and every charred skin. last night i went downstairs to 7-11 to get some food at 1am, feeling very safe that i would be able to ward off all robbers and molesters with just a lunatic smile, coupled with my horrifying looks. (hey dudes, it's halloween)

thank God that the swell is going down. i looked like a bird without the sharp beaks.

went to buy more moisturizers. this time i bought this "fruit of the earth - gentle healing Vitamin E moisturizer". spent a long time walking to and fro guardian and body shop trying on everything i could lay my hands on before deciding on this brand. actually wanted to buy something from body shop but thought that the body lotion is overpriced. it's really not that great other than being nicely scented. the body lotion leaves a sticky, oily sensation after application, and it doesn't get absorbed very well. (and i tried the body butter too. it's even thicker) i tried Nivea coz Kaisin and Gerry both said it's good, but i checked and it doesn't have vitamin E that's vital for healing. and plus i have the Nivea creme ( the blue one ) and it's paste like and rather difficult to apply a thin layer...rubbing too hard may damage my poor skin. and it leaves sticky sensation too. there's this new brand called natural healing and it sells the body lotion at 248g for 21bucks. hmm. too ex. i considered hazeline but decided against it coz i tried their facial foam before and i think it sucks.

and then i squat down and saw a whole different range of American brand products that is meant for healing...almost all of them have aloe vera and lotsa other good stuff. i (secretly) rubbed some on my leg and it felt good =) the fruit of the earth brand is really quite good. my skin feels soft and tender instead of oily, even after applying them abundantly on my skin. highly recommended!

i have aloe vera gelly but i don't really like it coz it forms layer when it's dried and it's troublesome to wash it off. it may even get sticky. yuck. still, i'll apply before i sleep or sth. sigh.

and this shopping around have also left me with another lesson. when you are looking for stuff like that, check out guardian first. watson have their items on better display and it provides better shopping experience but guardian's got the variety. haha

oh i bought this anti-imperfection moisturizer from Loreal the other day. it's really good stuff. girls, you should go try it. it's helps to unclog (really effectively) pore and prevent blackhead etc from forming, and it's water based i think so it doesn't leave disgusting feeling after applying. but i'm going to stop applying it until the peeling stops and my skin turns back to normal, coz i figured there's no point applying more expensive moisturizer on dead skin.

haha. this is like a shopping guide to moisturizers. but i guess lots of us will need an advice or two esp after the CCA leaders camp and AC games. =)

revisiting my old blog

2005-10-16T02:38:00.000+08:00

had a string of activities after exam..
baked cookies for the seniors. it was a pretty rushed effort, thanks to my fren who pangsehed me..but it turned out good in the end. hope you guys like it. will miss you guys lots! all the best for A lvls.

had AC games. it's been a long time since i felt the SD5 spirit..tot it went with the first 3 months. but i must say that we are truly amazing, and the fighting and cheering is enough to put every other class to shame. we'll own the courts on mon for 3rd and 4th placing for street bendy and 1st and 2nd placing for frisbee!!

went tov's house. barbecue. GOOD food....yeah. enjoyed myself. watched Chicago. it's such an evil show. i'm tired. will talk about it if i still remember.

i revisited my old blog today, the one that i've been keeping since sec3 to sec4. read through every single entry. when i look back there are so many events that i wished had not happened, like the attachment to james seemed like a mistake...but i know that God had a plan and His plan is sovereign. without what happened i wouldn't be who i am today. but after every thing that has happened i have this phobia of committing into BGR, coz i'm afraid that if things don't work out they will turn ugly....again. i think it'll be good to put an end to all those heart breaks and pain. thank God i haven't been really depressed since late last year.

thank you for making me face the shadows of the past...it is a huge step towards totally resolving those issues. and it feels so much better, although it's like...2.30am now.

yeah. i'm getting super tired.

Promos OVER.

2005-10-10T23:51:00.000+08:00

Promos officially end today...for me.

initially i didin't really feel anything. it felt pretty normal, and i wasn't exactly in jubilant. in fact, it was a really odd sensation. felt like going home and mug some more.

oh man. life of a hard core mugger.

but the truth is that i have been pretty restless for the past few days. do you noe how it feels like? like being so bored by what you are doing till you can't concentrate any longer, and you wish that the exams would be over so desperately that you want to take the paper and get it over and done with even though you haven't finish studying.

anyway...after exam went swensens for ice cream buffet with debo. Jon Tang was suppose to be there but he was taking such a long time by the time he arrived the buffet had ended. frankly i wasn't really in the mood for ice creams. but i ate 6 scoops within 45mins anyway, just to get my money's worth. -___-"

i've eaten more icecream for the past 3-4 days than i've eaten for the entire year so far. no more ice cream!!!!!

and debo was good company. talked and walked around till Jon Tang came....after that Debo had to leave earlier and it's just Jon Tang and me. we walked around talking and looking for 4 hours. hmm tt's really long but it didn't felt like it. we were testing perfumes and found this really exotic shop that sells cool modern designer living accessories. and we went to the pet shop and saw his dream dog...siberian husky. basically roamed around HV till there's nothing left to see. enjoyed his company too =). it's a good day.

eventually the much awaited sense of liberation arrived...and i am actually in the mood to chat online! haven't been feeling so free for at least two months. was always bz with sth, and leisure chatting was a waste of time..with the exception of talking to some pple =P. smsed patrick and he was actually honoured to receive my msg. Sunir wants a recording of my voice...and i may even be singing for his wedding this december. how cool is that? haha. and oh who else did i talked to in a single night?

hmm. my gor....strife...nad...hui yan...william...keith...tovya...

and him. it's weird coz talking to him 's got this anaesthetic effect on me. ok maybe anaesthetic is not the word. but talking to him calms me down mysteriously and regulates my sanity. and time slows down and hasten at the same time. i feel like myself the most when i'm with him.

so strange. do you understand me? coz i don't really understand myself sometimes.

going ice skating tml. it's not so much the ice skating that i'm looking forward to, but the interaction with my classmates that i want. and maybe dinner with keith and william after that.

oh it's william's bd today. happy birthday boy! sorry i forgot. but then it's not like you remembered my bd. and how could you forget, after what happened exactly one year ago on the eve of my birthday? and i remembered what we did on ur bd just one year ago. the pizza at my house, the candle lit night, and runaway and keith and i searched high and low for you, and the night spent at the park. you were a moron. you still are. it's sad that keith says you are still you. i hope i don't smell anything tml. and it's sad coz you have such short lived memory i doubt all that we've been through as a threesome meant much to you.

but anyway, let's end this entry on a happy note. =) life is good...

Rantings in chinese...

2005-10-06T22:23:00.000+08:00

hope you understand what i've written here...if you don't...i can't help you. =P

Mood analysis test results...

2005-10-02T14:00:00.000+08:00

This is taken from the site http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/. pretty accurate.

MOOD ANALYSIS TEST RESULTS
Your colors:

Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and a life full of experience. You are trying to 'grow' and above all you need to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an enthusiastic individual, full of life with the desire to live intensely. You like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you deserve every success because deep down you are a 'winner'.

You are lazy - you dream of a peaceful, calm, uncluttered and uncomplicated life. Your ideal would be to share a permanent base with some person or persons who would be able to demonstrate on-going love, peace and security.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realize that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

-----

hmm this is quite accurate. it says alot about why i feel exasperated alot of times by choir even though i love it so much. i feel restricted by choir yet at the same time i want to commit to choir. i hate it when i couldn't do so many other stuff coz i'm bound to choir. sigh. but still, i love choir.

i'm a person of conflicting interests...but one thing is for sure. i seek peace amidst activities. do you understand how that feels? absolutely superb =) and yes i am in search for peaceful and loving relationships. i hate conflicts. i hate quarrelling with friends and family. who doesn't? oh well.

18th birthday II

2005-09-29T23:42:00.000+08:00

this is in addition to my previous entry.

i've just had the most amazing 18th birthday in my life. ok ok, what am i talking about, there's only 1 18th birthday..nevertheless, i'm not going to forget this day ever. =)

this morning woke up and the first thing i heard (after switching off my alarm) was Joel's voice in my voice mail singing the birthday song to me at 4.30am. it was a beautiful start. Huiyan was the first to msg me, at 12.12 am.

got to school and had my 2nd birthday song by the dear morning ensemble. =)

Tovya, Jo, Li Dan, Pam and Dione got me this pair of earphones which tovya placed in a really huge paper bag. so deceiving! =P but i was amazed that they know that i wanted a earphone. was quite happy. =)

i was sinking into depression after school coz i couldn't find anyone to study with. i mean, what is this? i was actually feeling super alone on my birthday! Not that i demand to be of any importance but every one seemed to be too busy to be bothered about anything else. and not finding anyone to study with just made it worse.

i was so sad i went to the bleachers and cried.

the bleachers were awfully silent. it just aggravates the fact that i'm all alone in this big compound. i stood up and walked around. and i walked around and around and around, having this conversation in my head,

"vick, yeah, so what if it's your birthday? so what if the entire world forgets about you? God is still here. and you don't really have time to be sad do you? who's the one who's gonna sit for the exam in 3 days' time??"

bleah.

so i went back to the hub, where my econs teacher and classmate were. and i did a bit of work until Joel walked in with Ashish.

Joel: (with a stern face) Vick, i need to talk to you.Vick: why? what's wrong?
seeing Ashish behind, i thought it's the councillors who wanted to talk to me. and i was like, "oh no, what's wrong? what did i do?" as i followed Joel out.

outside the hub, at the turn of the corner, VOILA!

Limmie, Mark, Nad, Nic, Frances, Melissa, Charissa, Weng Foon, Joel were hiding behind, and there were birthday songs and presents. haha. OMG. i was so happy. ok happy isn't the word. i'm just...haha. laughing at my silliness.

but there's still one more person very important who hadn't done anything. and i was anticipating (shh i didn't say that) as i walked with him at 7.15pm out of the school to the bus stop onto the bus down the bus. i waited and he did nothing.

oh well, i told myself, he isn't much into birthdays. it's really not that important.

but still, it affected me, and i was...kinda sad i suppose. hmmph. so i went home and wrote the previous entry.

at 10pm, he called me and asked if i was writing about him on my blog. haha. so duh right. actually, i didn't know he was really planning to sing me a song he wrote; i was just hoping that he'll sing a plain, traditional birthday song for me. and he sang. can't remember the tune exactly and hardly captured all the words. but i remember feeling really touched.

i looked into the mirror and saw this tomato-faced girl staring back at me.

it's a simple song. but it totally turned my day around.

and he kept blaming me for spoiling the plan for myself. oops. the original plan was that i was supposed to have seen the gift (which he stuffed into my bag while i wasn't around) and call him. but i was in such a bad mood i wasn't in for doing work, so i didn't see the Cd until he told me to open my bag.

haha i felt like a moron. a very happy moron indeed.

and it's 11.30pm, and i know i outta sleep but i can't help but to write all these down. *gleam*

thanks to all who remembered...Yuan Tai, stephen, Roger, Han Min, Johanna, Sheena, Karno, Raymond, Mummy...(etc)

you know what, i've said this, and i'll say this again.
i really love my friends.
and thank you everyone! =)

18th birthday.

2005-09-29T21:12:00.000+08:00

it's my birthday. i'm officially 18 years old today.
but.
if you are looking for someone to buy booze for you, i'm the wrong person to ask.
DON'T EVER ASK ME TO BUY ALCOHOL FOR YOU.
coz i'll just drink it all for you too.
(-__-")

thanks you to all those who took the trouble to wish me a happy birthday. i know it's near the exams and all that, and i know it's not ez to spare time when every minute is so crucial. thanks =)

i'm feeling empty inside...on this 'special' occasion.
do you know why? i have no idea...
perhaps i'm pms-ing.
actually i think i'm just tired. i have the tendency to sink into depression when i'm tired.
so my 18th birthday present to myself: early night.
*the list of chapters that i have yet to study goes through my head*
ok perhaps not. *sob*

i'm waiting for 2 special someones to call me tonight. one of them i've already seen today but i just wanna hear that birthday song that he has yet to sing to me (and i'm hoping he would, but i doubt he'll ever do it). one of them i haven't seen for 9 months and miss and think of occasionally and i hope he'll remember that i still exist.

(ok, i've spilled the beans. for some reason i feel more relieved now.)

now now, stop guessing. you'll never get it. =)

there's a third person i'm waiting for tonight. he's the one who has brought me through thick and thin, always being there for me, holding me like a gentle giant, caressing my face when i cry...the one i truly love.

i'm waiting for Him to fill me tonight, to fill me with His presence, to fill this empty heart, to erase all depression, to ease my fatique. i'm waiting for Him to tell me that He loves me, waiting for Him to eradicate my fears.

and as i type i can feel His assuring gaze, and the void in my heart is miraculously filled. and i find the strength to love again, because i have His amazing grace within.

and i can only stand in awe and humility, as i come before Him covered in dirts of sin. He cleans my blemishes with patience and affection. Mould me, change me, as i take my tentative and frightened steps towards Your ideal.

Lord, my God, i can sing Your love song forever. but my actions seem to be falling short of Your glory. Lord, i'm such a sinner. please help me love my friend no matter how much of a despicable person i think she is.

ok enough of all the rantings. i'm going to bathe and do some work and sleep.
Thank you all my friends, once again.
=)

the keys to my heart...another of those tests..

2005-09-26T20:52:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

How boyish or how girlish i am???

2005-09-26T20:43:00.000+08:00

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

you noe what, i'm just bored.

My brain's pattern?

2005-09-26T20:31:00.000+08:00

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a tempered, reasonable way of thinking.You tend to take every new idea in, and meld it with your world view.For you, everything is always changing. Each moment is different.Your thinking process tends to be very natural - with no beginnings or endings.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

lalala...

2005-09-24T15:11:00.000+08:00

having really really bad gastric now....ouch.

and the irony of all: i was in macdonalds since 12pm. how can i have gastric when i'm in a fast food restaurant flooding with instant food?

oh well, after watching the horrifying SuperSizeMoi, i was intent on cutting down my fast food intake. having ate alot of fries at BK last night, i had planned to not touch anything from Macs today. well, if i hadn't had this irritating gastric that refused to go away after drinking tons of water....i *munch* wouldn't be eating the terriaki chick*munch*en.

oh they are selling hello kitty book-buddies! i got myself one although i'm the least of all fans of hello kitty. i just thought the idea of having a soft toy dangling from my book is as cute as it is redundant. gah! inpulse buy.

was very irriated with myself while doing my math 2003 paper just now. i was making retarded mistakes. for some reason i am very unfocused today. did i sleep too much? woke up at 8 instead of the intended 6 am. feeling really tired...probably due to...er...bodily cycles.

was actually planning to go swimming today but suddenly remembered that i can't swim. as in, not that i dunno how to swim, but....oh well i just can't. not now. and not the next few days. argh!! feeling fat and fat.

perhaps that's why my brain is working slower than usual.

promos coming! in times like this i'm really grateful that i'm surrounded by brainy people like Elgin, Master Alan and Xi Wern. haha. this is what happens when your teachers aren't helpful enough.

hey! i feel so cheated now. the strings of McDonalds' Hello Kitty book buddies aren't even long enough to be put in my shortest book! hiyo...waste my money. can i ask for refund????? or are there any Hello Kitty lovers who would like to have the stupid book buddy??? drop me a tag....or sms me...i m irritated by the sight of it. =XXXXX

Muggers' Club.

2005-09-17T12:35:00.000+08:00

i realised that it's those who don't do their work that dreads school. if one is well prepared for the lessons, there is no cause for fear.

contrast: me last year and me this year. School is a much better place.

mug mug mug. mugging is good =) i love being a mugger. there's no time to think about anything too depressing or too intriguing.

hey i'm serious ok? i'm not being sarcastic. -__-"

welcome to the Muggers' Club.

oh, btw, i love my friends. =))

No gifts, no wisdom, no power

2005-09-11T18:22:00.000+08:00

" i will not boast in anything
no gifts, no wisdom no power
but i will boast in Jesus Christ
in His death and ressurection."

i hope this speaks to you the same way it speaks to me.

Lord, teach me to worship you with all that i have. it's ridiculous how i insisted to worship myself with gifts that were not mine in the first place. i'd rather You take my gifts away than to leave me in the emptiness of self-indulgence.

and i feel great as God reveals Himself to me daily =). i'm amazed with our abilities to forget.

Rain.

2005-09-11T17:52:00.000+08:00

i think rain is prettier when you sit in the comfort of a shelter and look out of the window.
i hate walking in the rain, even with my tiny, pretty black-n-white striped umbrella. the gravel gets into my sandals and my feet gets wet so it's difficult to walk.

it's raining again.

well, i suppose the beauty of the rain depends on who's with you at the moment.

one of the rare occasions..it was a pretty rain.
=)

lamentations. losing it.

2005-09-10T11:29:00.000+08:00

i'm losing it.

losing the sense of superiority...losing the i-am-in-control confidence, losing the if-i-work-hard-enough-i-will-get-it assurance, losing the flame and passion to want something desperately like i used to.

i feel lousy. never good enough. never able to reach the benchmark, not able to meet up to the expections of myself. i have no inkling what others expect of me, but i just know that by my own standards, i have failed.

so much to do, so little time.
accomplishments: microscopic.

i want to stop fighting, want to stop working hard. i'm standing, forlorn, looking ahead out into the vastness of the desert, wondering if i can make it over alive.

what should i do?

the standard answer will be to lose it all, to be broken, and to be put together by God again so that His glory will be shown. but i can't understand. why has He made me extraordinary just to make me feel more and more plain and ordinary? i can understand why Nad cried a few months ago. the looking back at what it used to be.

perhaps i'm just being pessimistic. life is better than it seems. i have not worked without results. i'm just pms-sing.

sigh. if only you knew what happened and how i feel.

i should stop clinging on to it, clinging on to my voice, clinging on to my intellect, clinging on to my artistic sense, clinging on to my craft skills, clinging on to my relationships, clinging on to my maturity, clinging on to my fashion sense, clinging on to my IT knowledge, clinging on to my past, clinging on to the hopes of the future, clinging on to....

i have nothing to cling on except for God.

when will i fully understand that?

Marriage

2005-08-31T21:44:00.000+08:00

i have come to a resolution quite unknowingly recently. well, perhaps instead of "resolution" the word "revelation" will be more appropriate.

instead of fussing over who i like and who likes me, and whether my love will be returned by the same person i love, and wondering if we will end up together in the future, i should just leave it to God.

it's only when we put all faith and trust in His hand that we will find the Perfect One at the Perfect Time. I pray that God will reveal to me the one for me at His time.

i remembered last year during cluster retreat, my cluster was sitting in a circle on the grass patch at the Boys' Brigade campsite sharing about our ambition for the future. Winston, my cell leader, gave an unexpected reply.

"I want to get married."

and of course there were the expected wows and woos and everyone smiled at him as he revealed his desire in his usual mature, serious fashion. we were pretty amused back then because Winston was only 21, hardly the age to get anywhere near marriage, yet he's already longing for a life-long partner, wanting to settle down. we were amused too because there didn't seem to be any prospect girlfriend that we knew of. oh well. why am i thinking of that now?

read a newspaper article yesterday on the social phenomenem in China, where there is an increasing number of married people who hide the fact that they are already married and continue to indulge in parties meant for the "single and available". they kept their status in secrecy so as to enjoy the attention and social activities that usually only apply to the singles. "why give up the entire forest for a tree?" they ask. "we're just lonely and in search of romance."

the concept of marriage, i feel, has been twisted and depreciated as human progress technologically. (in fact, i think human has compromised and lost many spiritual and moral values as we advance through the ages. hmmph) i mean, what is this? since when was marriage an "open concept" in which the people who are attached are still constantly looking for someone better? our promise and love to one another is being reduced to nothing more than lip-services in this case. and if you are not willing to give up the entire forest for one tree, then why did you get married in the first place? >___<

i believe that there's the perfect tree for each and every one of us in the forest...but we often don't have the wisdom and ability to recognise them. we go for the prettiest tree, the most magnificent, the tallest, the thickest, without recognising our needs and capabilities. and sometimes we simply couldn't make up our mind. other times, we were too stubborn thinking that what we want is what is good for us that we close our eyes on the perfect tree.

however, God's wisdom is above us all, and His plan is beyond our destiny. i know that He has the ideal tree in mind for all of us. all we have to do is to be patient and sensitive to what He commands, and not take matters into our own hands. for sometimes we axe the trees down halfway only to realise that they are not what we are looking for; the poor trees are left battered and broken, while we get worn out by our misdirected chopping.

and now that i realisee God has the perfect person for me i will not settle for anything less than that. i will not fight for control over who to love and who to love me back because it results in pressure and disappointment. and i have will have faith and patience to do as God guides me. and i will love as He teaches me and not as the world imposes on me.

i have so many friends who are just so eager to jump into relationships. going into a BGR thing just coz all your friends are in it isn't the wisest thing to do. there're the initial thrills and excitement of courtship, but when the romance dies you'll find yourself hurting each other if you do not learn to love with God's love. i'm not cynical about relationships or ath, i just feel that if i had known God earlier or had been more active in seeking Him,the amount of pain that i had to go through would have been greatly reduced. but oh well, it's all detailed out in His divine plan.

i want to get married too, but only to the one God wants for me.
(",)

Love x 2

2005-08-23T19:45:00.000+08:00

Read a true love story about this young couple who got separated by the Nazis during WWII. they got separated, the guy got sent to a concentration camp. the girl tried looking for him but was in vain. after many long bitter searches after the war, she gave up and married another fine young man. the guy wasn't dead, but was caught up due to some other circumstances. One sunny afternoon, they met again, after 28 years.

i wonder how it must have felt. the love and emotions that came flooding back, the desire to embrace each other and turn back time to what it used to be.

and i wonder what made them move on and marry someone else when their love for each other was so strong and so unforgettable. could they have woken up beside their spouses at night, thinking of someone else who existed in a faraway memory? how did they accomodate another soul-mate in their hearts when it was so filled with each other before?

i wonder how Rose in Titanic did the same. was it just because of the promise she made to Jack, or was it something else?

perhaps i know the answer myself. i just couldn't bring myself to believe that it could be done.

the shock at cell

2005-08-21T14:56:00.000+08:00

the topic for today during cell discussion was "suffering", and Gaius was probing us for ideas to tackle various forms of sufferings. there are all kinds of sufferings, be it natural disaster, emotional trauma, sickness, physical pain, poverty...we were talking about natural disasters when this is what happened-

michelle: .....suffering because of their own doings. for example when people tell you when it's thundering do not stand under a tree but you still stand under a tree so you can't blame anyone if you get struck by lightning........

me: i don't think there is always a cause for sufferings. some disasters come just like that. like the tsunami, you can't say that oh because the earth plates chose to move this way and therefore a tsunami happened....

michelle: but you see right, the world is over populated, and who asked them to live at the low lying area where it'll flood? ............

me: i totally disagree. what would you say if you are one of the so-called "overpopulated" population? what if you are the one stuck in a tsunami? what if you are the one who have no place to live but in one of the low lying areas? i think the important thing is for us to step into their shoes and think from their perspective.......

michelle: i'm not very good with debate skills and how can i tell you what i think with so little words? ...........(her eyes redden and she started tearing) ............i sympathize with the people in tsunami.........

me: (panicking) don't get me wrong i wasn't trying to attack you or ath i'm just saying (interrupted)

michelle: i'm ok i'm ok it's not your fault......

us: are you ok????

then she stood up and said something like she has very few friends and has always been reliant on God to take care of her, that with God watching over her nothing bad will happen to her.......and that she needs to go home and study now coz she enjoys studying and that the exams have drawn her closer to God. and she took her leave.

btw, all the "................" means that i can't remember exactly what was said.

oh man i felt so disturbed.

i fell silent after she left, feeling really horrible. my cell people kept asking me to leave it behind and that it's really not my fault, that michelle is just an expressive person. sigh.

perhaps i'm just too quick to see the logical/moral/theological flaws in other people's statements and too eager to correct them. perhaps i too good at imposing my judgements and not leaving space for people to clarify their points and not giving them time to make any response before being struck down by my words.

perhaps it's really not my fault. now that i look back at the conversation i would have done the same thing (because i felt quite strongly about her assumption) and the truth is that she really wasn't accurate in expressing herself (whatever her original intentions may be). but trust me i didn't say whatever i said in a fiercely rebuking tone but a calmly reasoning tone so i was very shocked when she started crying.

she's in the midst of her prelims...so maybe her behaviour can be explained by exam stress. dunno.

whatever it is i pray that God will watch over her..i hope she's ok.

this is what i say when i'm tired...

2005-08-20T20:02:00.000+08:00

i'm listening to: 30 seconds to mars
note: i think it'll be good to include this...this band is pretty good...don't really know the lyrics but the band itself is pretty amazing. you can't download the music so just get to site to listen.

really tired.

was procrastinating going to worship prac last night. was suppose to be in church by 7.30pm but i was late for almost 45 minutes. I was sitting at the void deck complaining to the bunch of people that i was talking to that i was getting sick of singing. I have been singing non-stop for the entire week, and was desperate for a break. I dreaded going for another worship prac (having led worship in CF before that) because i could feel my voice in distress. Daniel suggested that i just go there and learn the songs without putting too much effort in singing out. i forgot to tell him that if i ever make it to the worship prac there is no way for me to give a slipshort shot because it's against my integrity. therefore i'll always be the most energetic one (or maybe the 2nd most energetic one) in the entire band no matter how tired i am. i think that's exactly why i dreaded going to worship prac.

i'm pushing pushing pushing myself.

this week i have 3 teachers who came up to tell me that they expect better stuff coming from me. i am grateful of their faith in me. sigh. i really want to do my best to glorify God. i feel that i could give so much more...but it's like pipe congestion and the tap is running dry although there's a huge reservoir connect to it somewhere.

had tuition with hui en just now. fell asleep half way. was suppose to prepare before hand but didn't have time to do extra questions, so in the end i was just wasting her time.

i am very tired now. haha can you tell? my language goes haywire when i'm super tired. now you can understand why i just couldn't get up on sundays to go to church. 've been sleeping approx 5 hrs every day this week. i would sleep at 10.30-11.30pm and wake up at like 4-5am to do work. i think God is just amazing...He has blessed me with pretty good passes for my tests although i had so many things on and hardly studied for the tests. i got grades just a bit lower than people who poured in hours and hours for the tests. God honours those who honours Him! =)

i miss and love my friends. esp those that i haven't been talking to for a while. i miss those that i see sometimes but still don't get to talk to them as much as i want to even more.

maybe i should go to sleep real soon. it's only 8pm.

egestic day.

2005-08-18T21:28:00.000+08:00

i feel like shit right now.

i wish the councillors have told us their decisions much earlier. oh well...what can i say...i'm disappointed.

and i don't really know what's their rationale behind it. i'm irritated.
and after all that happened today. having headache.

sigh...Lord give me the strength to trust You amidst all circumstances.

messy messy busy busy.

2005-08-16T05:29:00.000+08:00

getting kinda stressed up lately. feel like i'm underperforming academically but there's hardly any time fore me to study in depth and do more examples from the TYS (or even complete my tutorials) because i have so many other stuff to do. just yesterday i had practices on for the daily Marikita and chapel service at the same time in the morning, and after singing national and school anthem i have to go sing some more for chapel. and i've never heard of almost all the songs that we sang for chapel till the night before during our worship prac. and i had math test too yesterday which i barely studied for. had sectionals after school although all i wanted is to go home and rest coz i was so tired. but thank God choir is always enjoyable. =) and i have to make sure that the choreo for the choir teachers' day item is out by sat and taught to the choir asap..more choir coming up for the entire week till teachers' day. on wed i have choir while the rest are having mock chinese exam, and after that i've got band prac. oh yeah, i've gotta change the lyrics of the song by wed too. and guess what, i am the overall editor for my PW group, and my group leader hasn't sent me the report for me to edit yet. my group members have similar complaints. messy!. and it's 5.44am in the morning now. on thurs i have math tuition with hui en at NUS. on fri i have choir and CF going on at the same time, and after CF/choir i have to rush to my church worship prac. I've already postponed my eye check for 2 weeks and trying to squeeze time in for chem and math tuition.

Phew. JC life. colourful. i like it.
haha, even though it drives me up the wall sometimes.

and i wonder what would have happened if i'm actually in the choir comm...i'll just DIE.

oh well, life............

Rantings of the day

2005-08-10T21:42:00.000+08:00

announcement: Guys, i've terminated my 91727764 singtel line. if you wanna contact me, please dial 9XX5 0XX3 (for security's sake i'm not gonna publish my phone no. online! )

i've been suffering greatly from constipation. don't laugh! constipation isn't just U-NO-POO, but it has other complications on the body. it causes pimple outbreaks (look at me now) and it caused my waistline to expand so much i couldn't fit into my jeans. and after the relieving visit to the toilet the skin around my tummy sags and it looks stretched.

this goes to show how unhealthy my diet is.

and yes, i AM getting fatter. even my guardian could tell me that. i know if i keep going around declaring that i'm getting fat people would just look at me and give me yeah-you-are-right look, but it's TRUE! (i can see what other people can't see) so i'm embarking on this ambitious diet plan, and guess what, i failed terribly on the first day. hhahaah...the star-wars edition of M&Ms are just too tempting.

so i'm determined to resume again tml, and i'm going to increase the intake of vege and fruits in my diet. hopefully it'll work out.. gah.

discovery of the day: i'm not that good in econs after all. i'm beginning to really really dislike the subject. sigh. maybe i should have taken chinese instead.

oh yeah, yesterday had my first band prac with my new band Tentative. i'm not sure if it's going to be a permanent band or what, i suppose we have to see how everyone gets along with one another. but so far so good; we're all very fun loving, and frankly it was not bad at all! it's pretty hopeful. i reckon there should be more band-bonding sessions coz most of us only met one another for the first time yesterday. Don't think we're going to have another practice till friday our audition day. i pray that we pass the audition...if not our efforts (and money spent on Alvron) will come to naught. Thank You Lord for putting all of us together! =)

5 more days to Prelims for the J2s...have been seeing quite a number of distressed souls around in school recently. Lord i pray for all of them...grant them peace as they enter the last lap towards their prelims and gear them up for the real test (the Big As!) to come. Give them good rest and good memory and plenty of intelligence and wisdom, not forgetting determination and much of Your blessings! Amen.

tt's all folks for today...

Singing.

2005-08-07T15:50:00.000+08:00

i saw the contestants of the Jue2 Dui4 Superstar on TV mobile on the way home from church, and i am suddenly reminded of why i stopped listening to chinese music a few years back. After listening to chinese music for all my life i started to realise that most the songs sounded similar, and after a while i could predict the tune even before it was being sung. and the fact that almost all chinese singers sing with similar singing techniques doesn't help.

most chinese singers use very forward, nasal sound that requires the least effort to produce. if you contrast singers like Jolin Tsai and Cindy dunnowhat with western singers like Christina Aguilera and Whitney Houston, you'll get what i mean. as a result chinese singers often produce very sweet, clear voice. it's nothing bad, just that it gets super boring after a while. And it lacks depth.

I think that voices should be flexible, and singers should not just confine themselves to one kind of singing technique. Whenever possible, try to explore producing varied sounds from different parts of your body. for instance, sounds produced with or without support are different, and so are sounds produces from the back of the throat or the top of the nose. Once you have gained considerable knowledge about your own sound, learning new techniques is much of a breeze.

if you don't know what i'm talking about, it's ok.

Singing well comes with a lot of hard work. it's true that alot of it is dependent on natural talent, but the talent will go to waste if it's not developed properly. Did you think i could do all those slurs and cascades overnight? it came with alot of hardwork and practice. did you think my voice range is naturally so wide? of course not! i could still remember how i used to sing for hours everyday at home when no one's around, pushing myself to go higher and higher till my throat aches with all that effort, and my abdomen hurts for supporting so hard. and there were times when i experimented so frivolously with the position of my tongue and how it affects my sound that my tongue was suffering from muscle ache the next day. Not forgetting the times when i cried bitter tears when i couldn't seem to sing properly.

my diaphragm works extremely hard every choir rehearsal. there were just so many times when it was so sore i just wanted to give up singing properly altogether. yesterday while we were singing the christmas carols i thought i couldn't take it any longer, but i pushed on and thank God that He strengthens my voice every time i decided to give in my best.

the bottomline is, slip-shot work can't get you any where if you decided that you want to sing. it takes alot alot alot of hardwork. i'm not saying that if you put in the same amount of hard work you'll definitely be able to sing well, but i'm saying that if you don't you'll have no chance of singing well.

hmmp.

Festival of Praise 2005

2005-08-06T21:13:00.000+08:00

went for Festival of Praise yesterday. Michelle had VIP passes for all of us, so we were mercifully spared from the horrendously long queue that starts from the entrance all the way across the overhead bridge past the carpark to the bus stop. *phew!*

there was a sea of people there. Every seat was filled up. they had to add a whole block of seats in the center open space to accomodate for more people, and the stage is actually quite small. but well, you don't really need a gigantic stage for worship do you?

and on the left and right of the stage were two huge screens flashing CD ads for Hillsongs series and the new Cross Cd by City Harvest.

I was very blessed by the worship session. for the first time i was able to see how Darlene energised the entire stadium, how she commanded people to worship, and how the band was just so well coordinated. What struck me was the humility and sincerity they displayed on stage; there was no air of arrogance despite of their fame. they came to worship and worship alone, with not just the sound they produced but also with their attitudes and actions. it was just amazing how God used them to bless the people there. people were jumping and raising their hands, sweeping away their little insecurities that they would usually have in other places and opening their hearts. i am so sure that it wasn't just the music.

the second band that came up after Hillsongs was Delarious..(i don't really know if this is how it was spelt) to me they sound like a mix between U2 and Coldplay, very soulful rock. i have never heard their pieces before, but they were a great blessing nevertheless. i can still remember the lead singer in his collared shirt with green pullover. i love it when it's so clearly evident that the band was more interested in pleasing God than to please the crowd, when they share out of sincerity and not to hype up the crowd.

and i felt God's presence, as i stood and sang and jumped.

i suppose when you can truly feel God there will be no need for extravagent words and super sensational music or heart-spinning bass beats. the excitement and rejoicing comes naturally, it's God-made and not man-made. i couldn't help but to compare my experiences in FOP with that in Sonic Fest. i personally didn't really enjoy Sonic Fest that much coz 1. the music was too loud 2. i felt that it was more music oriented than God oriented. there were moments when i felt that the bands were more interested in getting the people hyped up than to get them to worship God. hmmp. i didn't think it should just be a rock concert...(not that i have anything against rock music, i'm a rock lover too) but ah well, i suppose different people had different experiences with different things. so these are just some personal sentiments..

Although FOP had been a fantastic experience, there're some parts of it that kinda spoiled the experience abit. Personally i really don't like the City Harvest pastor. i've seen the recorded version of his sermons online before, and i really didn't like it. Not because he's ugly or anything, but it just occurs to me that his words seemed very rehearsed and were said to achieve his own agenda rather than God's. the way he says things made him appear very mercenary. and i feel the exact same way this time again at FOP. I didn't like the way he advertised for the City Harvest Cross album. He said something like "you better go get the album tonight or i'll be very cross with you!" and i hate it when he annotate giving offertory with sacrifice for God. yeah it's true that monetary offering is a kind of sacrifice, but the way he said it seemed like there are no other kinds of sacrifice except for monetary sacrifice, and that you should give if you want God to bless you tt knda stuff. i just find it irritating coz it's not true. i should put in quote here when i can remember the exact words he said and perhaps you'll get what i mean. in the end i didn't give a single cent (coz i have $0 on me at that moment). well.

and i have a problem when he says that "God will be here tonight" or "God will come" etc etc. God is omnipresent, which means that He's everywhere already; there's no need to ask Him to come to where we are..i found it ridiculous. He is here whether we feel it or not. it should be US who needs to enter God's presence, not the other way round.

hmmp but overall, as i have said, FOP was a huge blessing. i just hope that somebody can go communicate with that Pastor and discuss with him the kinda messeage he's delivering. yupz.

The Refuge of my soul...

2005-08-01T22:22:00.000+08:00

i really don't know what to say. i thought i could keep it under control, i thought i had more sense than before, i thought i wouldn't let the insanity of another woman hurt me for some crime that i have not commit...but to my utmost horror her words are stinging my heart right now like a sore hornet sting. i hurt, Lord, i hurt.

my mum called me just now, and talking to her was never like before. the odd sensation of having something pressing against my chest seemed to have prevented me from uttering anything more decent than monosyllabic replies. i knew that my response was a bit more than a disappointment to her; she would have expected a more heartwarming me. i tried, but Lord, the fresh wound seemed to have been torn apart again by her phone call...

she does not know what had happened, and i intend to keep it from her, carrying all these upon my own shoulders. Lord i trust that You have the best for me...although life so often hurts so much, scars so badly. i look up and see Your face Lord, and it gives me comfort.

I know that my mother loves me, i understand it with my head and experienced it with my heart. but how the sordid past haunts me! Just as i thought i had my victory, it leaps back at me menancingly, its gnaring teeth bitter white. the monster within me is twitching uneasily trying to break free. I'm afraid Lord..of my own sceptism and depression. Only You can tame them Lord. Lord do not let the monster distort the Love and kindness that i was shown and i have seen...do not let me start feeling so alone again...do not let me think that i have no one to depend on except for my two flat feet...Lord it's all coming back...how i used to cry myself to sleep, how i used to look at myself in self pity, how my family history lashed at me time and again, how i closed my heart to every one.

the void and emptiness. i'd rather die than to experience them again.

But thank God my heart where Death used to linger is now filled with the Holy Spirit. The darker my past life was, the brighter my present life seem. And I can only be filled with thanksgiving, for my life is a living testimony of how great our God is, and how He had faith and worked miracles out of filth and dirt. At least now my smiles are not mere disguises of pain, but expressions of genuine joy. At least now i can dedicate the way i live as worship to God. At least now my music is made for others and for God and less for myself...at least.

Jehovah M'kaddesh, The Lord that sanctifies
Jehovah Nissi You're my Banner
Jehovah Shalom, You're my Peace
Jehovah Ropha You're my Healer

You are El Shadai
You are my Adonai
You're the Great I Am
You're the refuge of my soul
You are Jesus
You are Lord
You are God...

And i pray Lord, for faith that You will deliver. Amen.

1st pure J1 sectionals...

2005-07-27T22:21:00.000+08:00

Today we had our very first J1 only sectionals. There's no choir rehearsal coz the teachers are all occupied with one thing or another, and we ducklings are finally left to stand on our two flat feet.

and guess what, it's not a bad experience at all.

Sectional was much more light-hearted, as Li Min took a different approach from Gina. Neither of them are better than each other, because they have very different personalities and are basically just different in the way they handle sectionals. nevertheless i enjoyed the sectionals today! We did 3 charols in 1.5 hours flat i think, and we had loads of time to revise. I suppose things were made alot easier coz we are singing the melodies in most cases and many of the carols are familiar tunes.

and when the other sections are done we just gathered together to sing, not seriously combining but just singing our hearts out, enjoying the music as well as the company of one another. And we just couldn't stop singing, so we sang from 4.30pm all the way to 7++pm. And it was a voluntary stay-back-and-sing kinda thing, it's just amazing how we love what we are doing and who we were with.

I really love my choir people. I think we will be such an empowering batch.

but of course, we wouldn't be where we are standing at now without the love and guidance of our dear dear dear seniors. I will continue to miss their presence...now that we don't see so many of them anymore hanging around it's kinda weird, and i do not think it's just a matter of getting use to the change. I miss the bonding and friendships and the sense of interdependency, where we are being pulled along and sheltered in their shadows.

Well, time has come that we all rise to the occasion and exercise peer leadership. Very soon we'll have our own juniors to take care of, and very soon we'll be holding and pulling along their hands, like how our seniors have so tenderly and lovingly held and pulled ours. The sense of uncertainty is beginning to disperse, and the Lord will continue to groom and nurture us in the experiences that He has so kindly granted us.

Let us support one another, com or non-com, and sing in jubilation for a better tomorrow.

lol hope it doesn't sound like some propaganda message to you coz it isn't intended to be that way...

Let's keep trying

2005-07-26T22:22:00.000+08:00

I guess no matter what i'm not about to give up yet...and I hope he shares the same sentiments.

let's keep trying, keep on running...

Thank God for His wondrous plans.

sigh.

2005-07-26T14:02:00.000+08:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

James 5:17
"Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it."

Lord...why me?

Satanic songs

2005-07-26T13:21:00.000+08:00

Last night in school Limmie, Jon Tang, Daphne and I were discussing about Satanism and black mass...and we came across the topic on satanic songs and how they carry a different message when they are being played backwards.

i did some research and came upon some cool sites...

http://jeffmilner.com/backmasking.htm
This site actually puts together the play-forward versions of many songs that were said to be satanic with their backward versions. I have to agree that some of the songs are really satanic, while some are just there due to people's wild imaginations. I'm leaving it to your judgement.

http://www.av1611.org/rock.html
This site is a full list of how rock music can be full of satanic lyrics that convict people to do evil. It is done by a Christian. After reading the information on this site i was pretty puzzled, for i can't really understand why people would choose to suffer than to enjoy eternal bliss and joy with God. Is it pain, torment and disappointment that brought them there? or were they just being fooled by hype and excitement of satanic chants? Perhaps to them Satan is a revolutionarist that offers a "cooler" way of existence (or non-existence?).

i have almost stopped tuning in to 98.7FM ( Perfect Ten ) because i find that alot of the secular music are basically worships of Sex, vulgarities and violence. The good thing about being in Singapore (with its relatively strict media control) is that words like "fxxk" are being replaced with either silence or "doot-". Your ears stay clean. well, pretty clean. And most music that has got to do with satanic connotations are particles too big to pass that media filter.

But still, the sensational and ungodly almost always make it to the top of music charts. Alot of people embrace them like they embrace clubbing and drinking. i'm not saying that listening to secular music automatically makes you a sinister, evil person. i'm just saying that very often Christian values clash with the world's, and World Morality does not necessarily equate to Christian Morality. I am saying that you can be moral person when put to world's standards but an immoral person when put to God's judgement. I think that's the reason why alot of people turn away from God because they think that the Christian standards are too high. They would rather enjoy the seeming liberty and short time spent on Earth.

But James 4:4 says, "...if your aim is to enjoy this world, you can't be a friend of God." (NLT)
Romans 12:2 says, "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God tranform you into a new person by changing the way you think."
Romans 13:13, "Don't participate in wild parties and getting drunk or in adultery and immoral living, or in fighting and jealousy."
And we are made to be eternal beings to share God's kingdom in His glory...never worry about time being too short here on Earth, for we have eternity to celebrate God's love with one another.

Always base your values in God and His word, for human commonsense and wisdom can be wrong, but the Wisdom of God can never do us harm.

btw, i have to add that not all secular music is ungodly..
As for now, i'm sticking to classical music and christian music.

to love and be loved.

2005-07-25T23:19:00.000+08:00

Mindy said that everyone's bloggin about the Farewell, so i guess i should leave it till later...still working on that entry.

things have been pretty good except for a glitch in my relationship with someone. WELL, if you know me well enough you'll probably already know who i'm talking about.

I'm leaving it into God's hands..I know that He has a beautiful plan for the both of us. i'm just not sure what kinda role i should play in this relationship. I do not want to take things into my own hands and screw it up over and over again. Perhaps it's really just my fault that things are the way it is now. perhaps i'm exerting too much pressure and expecting too much from a person who is unwilling to commit so much. But really, the peace in my heart tells me that i've already done my part. I did everything i could to build it up, so if that person thinks that friendships shouldn't be tried, that i'm tryin too hard, i have no qualms of giving it up with no regrets.

And i wonder what is it that inflict this deep sense of attachment and love for that person. The heartfelt connection seems to have been established since our very first meeting. Since then all i wanted was to build up the trust and friendship, under the mysterious guidance of God. Being there for that person for so many occasions exposes me to that person's strengths and weaknesses, but my love for that person has never cease with my increasing knowledge of his shortcomings. sometimes i ask God what is it that makes me hold on to my relationship with that person so dearly. is it another issue with dependency? am i in love, romantically speaking? the questioning became more intense when my investment of time and effort seemed to yield disproportionate returns.

Just as i was about to give up one day God told me that to love a person is not the same as to want to be loved by the person. And He asked if i'm seeking to love or seeking to be loved. To all honesty, i seek to love. Then God says, if that's the case, then why are you complaining? Love because I have loved you so. Care because you love Me, care out of your sincerity, adore because I have commanded you to.

so i loved the person in ways that i knew how. well, perhaps i'm just not up to the job. and opening your heart so widely to a person who lack tenderness will just cause yourself more pain. I am ultimately, a human. I am losing faith in a winding path that sees no end. I wonder why God chose to put us together through those ups and downs, and why He had wanted us to keep trying after the feelings have gone. And amidst all that i'm told by that person whom i hold so dear that i'm trying too hard and should lower my expectation. Then it struck me that there is no point in me maintaining the service line like a studious repair man when the power is just not coming from the other side. And I was disappointed because i have seem it with my own eyes how functional the service line could be if both parties were willing to put in just a little more. I am not upset because we couldn't reach what we were aiming for, but rather i'm upset because we got it and chose to give it up.

And since it was an active decision made by both parties, we have both abide by it by not speaking to each other. i left the person with this message, "to someone's mind, friendships shouldn't be tried. Let's see what the laws of nature can do for us." And the service line of communication will be closed, because all friendships, no matter shallow or deep, will require some form of effort. By the laws of nature, we walk past each other like complete strangers, rubbing shoulders but never speaking, and the our faces filtered with motion blur melt into background noises.

Perhaps one day, when either of us pick up enough conviction, we'll reopen our hearts to each other and allow love to flow freely. Meanwhile, i'm enjoying life as it is, and nothing else has changed.

God came down and gave me a hug.

2005-07-17T20:58:00.000+08:00

Haven't been bloggin for a while. Not because i have nothing to say, but because of the inability to connect to internet. Here i am, sitting at Funan the IT Mall, praising the Lord for the free WiFi here. God is good and will provide when there is a need ! =)

I'm still working on the tour online photo album with all the commentaries and stuff, and it's taking a much longer time than necessary because i have no internet connection! sigh. guys i'm sorry just bear with me.

Yesterday during CF worship session God gave me a heart warming revelation about His relationship with His people, and I thought what i saw when i closed my eyes explained the existance of Jesus Christ. In my vision i was looking up to God who stood before me. He to me is like a human to a bacteria, and there i was standing and straining, trying to catch a glimpse of His face. Just as i thought it was impossible and was about to give up, the Giant suddenly started to shrink, gradually until He is just slightly taller than me, and He gave me a hug while i bathed in the warm rays of light radiating from Him.

and as i reopened my eyes i understood the existance of Jesus. Our God loved us so, and He wanted to love us in a way that we can comprehend with our obtuse human mind. We fall short of His glory and are so ignorant of our mistakes, but God is good and He is willing to lower Himself to die for all of us out of His magnificent love for us.

Having received a share of this great love how could we not love in return? it's just like when water is continually poured into a cup it will come a moment that it overflows. And how do we not forgive when our multiple sins have been readily forgiven by our Creator?

and i was reminded of the grudges i bore about my aunt and my classmate, of how i was unable to forgive my aunt for all that she had done to me and about me, and how i do not love that irritating classmate of mine. i could hear God telling me to let go and pick up the courage to love them, but at the same time it is so difficult to forget the past and embrace God's will.

Why do we struggle with God over controls of such issues if we know that He is right and intends to bless us? I see no logic in this, yet i find it so hard to demean my hurts.
and I remembered what Mr Sum said to me, "perhaps it's time to leave the past behind..."

i'm tryin, really, to love and trust, to not fall into my cynicism. i'm too small and weak to fight this battle on my own. But from the book of Joshua i have learnt to look to the Lord, for in His might my enemies will be crushed, and strongholds will come tumbling down.

with God, impossible is nothing.

Lord, i committ my life to You. May You constantly renew and refresh my relationship to You.

London Bombings.

2005-07-08T18:37:00.000+08:00

I couldn't believe my eyes when my friend smsed me to tell me that London had been bombed by a bunch of terrorists. When i spread the news around many people had associated it with London's winning bid to Olympics 2012. Perhaps Paris sent suicide bombers to disrupt the Londoners in their chagrin. well, i thought that analysis was quite petty and spastic.

Having visited London just half a month ago i was quite upset that the place that held so many wonderful memories had been scarred by terrorist attack. the sounds of "Kings cross" and "Russell Square" still managed to ring a bell. How despicable the terrorists to have used the name of Islam in vain to justify their selfish massacre of innocent lives. and how stupid of them to bomb the city.

Their actions will only lead to a knee-jerking backlash to the muslims and arabs in the country. people will start to associate all muslims and arabs with terrorists, like it or not, however unfair that association may be. They have succeeded in nothing but tarnishing the name of Islam and planting seeds of hatred and disgust in the hearts of the Britons. By doing so they'll only increase the support of the people towards the Iraq War and not the withdrawal of the UK troops from Iraq as they hoped for. People will start hailing Bush's attack on Iraq however unsound the cause of the attack may be. Whatever sympathy the Brits might have on the Iraqis could very well have been blasted to pieces with the bodies during the bombings. Oh well. It takes more than human nature to forgive your enemies, let alone to love them. But most of the time vengeance is never the solution.

All it takes is a little more consideration, a little more love. "Love your neighbours like yourself". We live in a world that has long abandoned God's commandments, and chaos are unavoidable consequences to our disobedience. Islam Fundamentalists should be stripped off their "fundamentalists" titles as they cannot even comprehend the fundamentals to their faith. Surely God didn't create human for us to kill one another?

On the other hand, Mr Bush, kindly reflect on ur actions. Why attack a country that did not launch an attack on you? in the name of finding Weapons of Mass Destruction you have entered the country, and shamelessly you have left empty handed. I would like to extend my gratitude for your inflicting pain and agony on the equally innocent people in Iraq, for destroying commoners' lives and classified them as collateral damage for your perfectly justified cause, for murdering your own troops by placing them under unnecessary danger, for the propaganda that you have infested with your local media, for your mighty, decisive veto vote that went against the entire security council to go ahead with your war in Iraq. Thank you for being such a clever, sympathising, honest president. Thank you, for you have turned the muslim communities in Middle East against you, and against your people. and thank you for generating a huge debt for the American economy. I'm sure your people love you to bits, too.

For some strange reason fools and idiots control the world. Be assured that they'll be fondly remembered. Have faith that God will deliver us from spastic people. Violence against violence will only exacerbate violence.

I long for a world filled with harmony and peace.

Terms over, mugging starts

2005-07-03T15:31:00.000+08:00

Terms over, feeling kinda strange.
I've gotten so used to being buried in books 18 hours a day, that it feels very strange now to not do anything related to academic studies.

thanks to the terms i feel much more into studying...*dodges flying rotten vegetables and eggs*
i'm sorry guys, call me a nerd. *bleah*. =P

but anyway, my tour pictures are not up yet, coz i couldn't seem to get internet connection of late...taking my time.

yuppies, all the best to whoever's reading this. pray for my internet connection yeah? pleaaassse. =)